So we've been over my love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels. But am I getting results?
Let me just say, y'all...I could put on a bikini, and not feel bad walking around in public. Sure, my body is different. There are stretch marks and yes, I am still a bit heavier than I'm used to. But something about working out regularly makes you feel like you are a lot more attractive than you are.
An unintended side-effect is that I went from having absolutely no sex drive, to having the out of control sexual appetite that is characteristic of the women in my family. Seriously, if we actually get down to it, a lot of the women I'm related to have the same level of interest in sex as a seventeen year old boy.
I have to say, this makes things rather complicated. I was actually rather relieved to find that I was not at all interested in sex after giving birth. My thought process about this was as follows:
I don't want sex--->I don't need a relationship---->I can focus on being a mom---->I can change the way I operate in a relationship before screwing one up again.
Seems logical. But yet here I am, hosting a porno in my brain and fighting strongly against the urges I used to give in to so easily. No, I can't say that sexual thing to that person, because you can't take it back. No, I can't do that without thinking, because it will teach that person that they can treat me that way.
But damnit I WANT TO send that completely inappropriate, explicitly sexual message! It would be FUN! I would feel desired again!
But I have to stop myself. Funny how once you open a door of holding yourself to a low standard, it's hard to close. But I'm not insane. I'm sure that if I continue that behavior I will get the same results. And man, do I not want to live those results over again.
So here's the deal. I'm working on it. I would so much rather be respected and loved than sexually desired, but I'm hoping I can eventually have it all.
Until then, I just have to suck it up, and ignore the blue balls feeling.
*headdesk*
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Bella- I for one don't think you should feel bad for having a sex drive... sex if FUN and nothing to feel guily about. And no, I don't think wanting to be desired, respected, and loved are mutually exclusive. Just make sure that the person on the other end of the message feels the same way and you should be all right.
ReplyDeleteYou're right about sex being fun. But it is something to feel guilty about when it's casual. At least it is for me, now. It's just becoming abundantly clear that the more I do things like that, the less likely I am to find a man who actually wants to stick around for more. And being alone doesn't really appeal to me in the long run.
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