This Blog Should Probably Be Private, As A Whole

I don't know where I get off, thinking that falling for her makes any difference at all.

I'm not even sure yet how to handle it. She feels something too, sure. But I doubt it's love, and I doubt it matters much to her, in any case.

She's fickle, by her own admission. And her wanting me doesn't mean she doesn't love him, any more than it means that she does love me.

Love. Stuff and nonsense. Why am I even thinking about it as if it matters? Inconsequential, so long as you don't mind burning a bit.

And it does burn. I feel this hollowness in my chest when she's not around. Tears come, completely unexpectedly. My insecurities come bubbling to the surface when she doesn't call. When she does...my heart beats faster, my chest feels tight and I wonder why I can hardly breathe.

I try to tell myself to shut it off. The logical center of my brain knows that even if we could be together, it would be complicated. I couldn't trust her not to tire of me quickly. I couldn't trust her to be mine.

But I feel anything but logical these days, and even here I feel the urge to write about her smile, and that thing she does with her mouth when I'm touching her...and the way the world comes to a complete stop when her breath starts to come short.
I want to write about how easy it is to talk to her, even when what I have to say isn't easy to communicate. And how she always seems to understand what I really mean.
I want to write about how interesting it is to listen to her talk...how I never find myself bored with her. I'm amazed by her intelligence, her strong sense of self, her dedication to the people that matter to her.
She makes me laugh. She's wonderful with my son, he adores her. She really sees me, and she treats me with respect.
And bloody fucking hell, I WANT her.

Painful as it is, I don't know if I would want to change it. Nothing can come of it but holy hell, it is incredible just to FEEL it. I had wondered if I even could. I'll find a way to shove the feelings aside...I've no choice in the matter, and I want her in my life. I couldn't lose her friendship.
But I could likely do with some space, before it gets dramatic.

Wouldn't want to actually screw something up, if I can help it.

Because It Hurts

My pregnant, engaged, good friend?

I am falling in love with her. And I want to kick my own ass for it.

I've noticed an infatuation for months now, and it has been rather intense. I've spent small bits of time away from her to see if it goes away. And sure, it helps a little. But then I see her and I feel like I just come undone.

Her fiance is (of course) all about us hooking up. We did, last night.

She has feelings for me too. I just didn't expect to feel anything like this. The butterflies. Missing her after one day apart. That sinking feeling in my stomach when she says she misses me. The empty feeling in my chest when I know she's with him. Feeling like I'm going to fucking puke. The anxiety of waiting for a call, or a text.

What.The.Fuck.

Aw Hell, Might As Well Do It

So, yes...my son is seven months old now.

I can't help but feel I'm posting out of some strange sense of obligation, since I've not posted for quite some time. But in truth, I have felt an overwhelming sense of oh-my-god-he's-getting-so-big over the past few days....admittedly accompanied by some tears.

You may want to chalk that last bit up to my raging hormones, since the beloved (see: hated beyond repair) Aunt Flo has decided to make her first appearance since January of 2009. This happened, appropriately, THE DAY The Boy turned 7 months old. I have been tired, hungry, emotional and unbelievably horny ever since.

But this post is not about my period OR my out of control sex drive (I will possibly post about the latter tomorrow). It's about my BABY and how he's AWESOME.

The child has 4 teeth. He is eating solid foods every night (lots of avocado). He sits unassisted for very long periods of time.
He loves music. His current list of favorites include: "Bad Romance", "Boom Boom Pow", "Don't Stop Believing", and "Four 15's"
Before you lecture me about the propriety of letting my baby listen to lyrically suggestive pop music, I'm afraid I'll have to remind you of one thing; I don't give a flying fuck.

The truth is, I'm entirely in love with this child. He grabs my face and dives at me, open-mouthed for kisses. He cuddles me every time I sing to him. He whines "Maaamaamam maam" when he's getting cranky. He cries when I walk away, and smiles when I return. He is my world, and I seem to be his. It suits us fine.

Every day, at least once, I get this feeling. A moment or two of joyful anticipation, of peace...and each time it comes over me it takes me a few moments to recognize it. After all, it isn't something I've felt a lot in my life. It's happiness. The truth is, everything is as it should be, so long as I have this incredibly boy in my life. I never thought I could be so happy, and I owe it all to him.

Here's my little monkey at 7 months