Feeling Like A Damn Teenager

You look at me, and I see it
a flicker of movement behind your eyes
heartstrings, I suppose you'd call them
I feel it in my chest, the pulling
Tug
You look at me
I think...
Don't.
Please.
God.
Stop...
PleaseGodDon'tStop.
You look at me
I miss what you're saying
looking at the curve of your lips
trying like hell to find a word to describe it...
Beautiful. Seductive. Heartbreaking.
Delicious.
I open my mouth to speak
I close it again.
to contemplate the difference
between wanting and needing you
to think about the agony
of my hands aching to touch you
to feel the terror
of knowing your touch could break me...
of knowing you could break me without touching me.
You look at me
and I come undone
you see me. you know me.
You move me.
You captivate me.
and it takes all I have
to remember to breathe.

Things You Knew All Along

I keep ending up in the same places.

I don't love myself enough, I don't feel like I deserve love, and I fall for people that confirm that for me.

What I want to know is why.

Why do I do this? Why don't I love myself? Why do I fall for people I can't have?

And why do I understand what I'm doing, yet still manage to do it anyway? That doesn't make any sense. I tell myself frequently that I'm going to value myself more, and stop doing things that hurt me...it lasts for a little while. But I fall back into a pattern.

I REALLY need help. I can't keep doing this to my son's mother.

You've Got Me All Wrong...But You've Got Me

As these things tend to do, the situation came to a head.

As if being in love with your best friend isn't hard enough, she had to go and make me talk about it. And even though she was so easy to talk to before, I couldn't find the words to say "I wish that I didn't love you so much that it hurts."

Because really. Who says that?

The decision is that we will put up some reasonable boundaries so that we can still spend time together...because the option of not speaking to each other anymore is just, well...not an option.

And I feel like I just did this. Like I'm ALWAYS trying to get over loving someone...which is honestly completely dramatic because including her, I have really only felt like this twice. But I'm an ass, and it literally took me years to get over the last one.

But the idea of having to move past it...just the thought of the pain I've already been dealing with, and knowing for a fact that I'm in for more...it makes me feel exhausted. I know that I will get over it, I know things will eventually be better, but I also know that there's no way to just skip over the hard parts. I am not a fan of just letting things run their course.

I would like a little control, please. I would like a way to turn emotions off when they're of absolutely no use to anyone.

And if I'm being perfectly honest, I would like to lie with her again, and kiss her and have her hold me. "One last time" sounds like heaven when compared to "never again."