The Ups And Downs

I have been seriously thinking about getting help for PPD (that's postpartum depression, if you're not initiated).

My anxiety is (quite obviously) out of hand. I sometimes don't feel interested in engaging with my son, and also have a hard time connecting to him when my anxiety gets really bad. I have a pretty short fuse most of the time, and almost anything can set me off. I feel guilty for wanting to take breaks from my son.

In short, I feel like a bad mom.

But on the other hand, I have great days too and sometimes think that it's just the exhaustion of being a single parent, coupled with the anxiety that I've had my entire life.

Either way, I'm uninsured so I'm feeling kinda screwed. Living off my savings right now makes it worse, because any money I might spend at a clinic is money that should be going towards baby stuff.

GOD THIS POST IS EVEN BORING ME.

Anyways, that's where I am, and why I'm not big on the blog-o-sphere right now. I'm doing what I can to deal with it, and for now I'm just kinda hoping it passes. I just have to tell myself to enjoy every second I have with my son, because time is really flying by and he'll be pushing me away soon enough. And in all honesty, he's the most amazing person in the world to me, and I love him more than I ever thought possible...and since those two statements are true, then it's also true that it's worth every bit of effort I have.

This little monster is the most precious thing in the world.

What Can't Your Kid Do?

One thing The Boy can't do is sleep. NO SLEEP AT ALL. For real, yo, this kid hates naps and hates night time (and as a result, I'm starting to feel like he hates me).
Sure he's had a few good nights (seven, to be exact).
But for the most part we're up 4-6 times every night and I get so cranky that I feel like a horrible mother.

It's to the point where I feel guilty for wanting him to sleep more, and I feel too tired to want to play with and love on him all the time. I honestly feel like if I keep having these thoughts, he is just going to die in his sleep and it will be my fault, because I'm the one who wanted more sleep.

Obviously, being rational is not something I'm especially good at.

I tend to keep myself up, thinking I need to kiss him as often as possible and keep saying "I love you" because when I wake up he could be dead. I find myself thinking "is this really what I want to remember doing or thinking about the night my baby dies?" Or I think "when he dies of SIDS, I'm going to feel really guilty for that."

Yes, Interwebz, you read that right. I am officially Bat-Shit-Crazy. Does knowing it's not logical help?
Not really. Maybe a little bit.

All I know for sure is that I need to sleep.

Does anyone else have thoughts like this? I know you're out there, readers.

And side note: I know it sounds like I have postpartum depression. I know I might benefit from therapy/Zoloft. I also know I don't even have health insurance, so me getting any help is highly unlikely...I am not a rich person. Were it my son needing help, I would make sure he had it...but this is me, and my money is better saved for him...especially since I'm living on my savings.

You've Got To Be Kidding

I'm at my wits end.

I have been trying to lose 10lbs for the past month. That's 30-60min of exercise every day, less than 2000 calories a day, on top of breastfeeding and losing unbelievable amounts of sleep.

I have not lost a single pound.

My pants fit me the same as they did a month ago (see: just barely). I want pasta and bread and cookies and to stop paying so much damn attention to every calorie I take in. I want to eat fast food.

The lack of sleep and the breastfeeding make it even harder because I'm starving, and craving food I can't have. I'm going to lose my mind.

Any suggestions, interwebz?

Go Eff Yourself.

This post is dedicated to all the people who need to screw off. Yes, I'm talking to you.

Jillian Michaels, you top my list (if only because I want to throat punch you, while I simultaneously want to do naughty girly-sex things to you). You are a (kinda hot) pain in my ass. Your 30 Day Shred killed my knees and ankles so now I gimp around like an 80yr old. Sexy. Thanks.

To all people involved in taking any Joss Whedon show off the air...you are a douchetard. The days of Buffy and Angel were glorious. Dollhouse rocked my world, and you ruined it. TV is lame now. Good job. And just when I needed it to be good, as I sit here for numerous hours a day with a three month old.

FDA, you suck balls. I have been grocery shopping lately and may I say...you sure don't care what people put in their bodies. The quantity of junk food, the incredible selection....you know there are CINNABON toaster pastries?! You can make everything in a microwave. I wonder why we're so unhealthy. Bastards (oh and also, the self control required for me to NOT eat that stuff is ridiculous. Nom nom nom).

Now, to my housewife sister...you can really go eff yourself. Do not tell me that I should get a job and go to school at the same time, and leave my kid with other people. I set myself up in this situation so that I could avoid that. You like working so much? GET YOUR OWN DAMN JOB.
KTHXBAI

Three Months

I just can't believe he's already three months old.

I feel like I just pushed him out a few weeks ago. Or maybe that's my exhaustion and feelings of inadequacy talking. Shouldn't I be better at this by now?

He's incredible. I can't even believe all that he can do now.
He gets on his elbows.
He copies our sounds.
He copies our hands (open/close, punching motions).
He grabs and shakes his toys.
He puts things in his mouth.
He grabs at his feet.
He blows raspberries.
You know...just to name a few.

I think it's just that I'm his mom that makes me think he's a genius. But you never know.

I love you more every day, little man.

What The Frack?!

For realzies, I could easily have a heart attack.

You'll recall my post about the Angelcare Monitor and how incredible it is...

Well, as much as I love it, it almost killed me when it went off three times today...all within minutes of each other. My son is fine...wasn't turning blue, was breathing and reacting just fine...but it scared me so badly I thought I would lose my mind.

I don't understand what caused it, and that's what freaks me out. Prior to this I had only had one false alarm ever, and that one had me on edge for days.

But this is why I got it...to be warned if something is wrong. The chances are minuscule, but the fear is paralyzing. The fact is, the thought of anything happening to your child is enough to make any parent break into a sweat and feel nauseous.

I'm scared half to death. But thank God I have something to warn me...I couldn't stand it otherwise.

Business, As Usual

So I am going to have to admit, my kid really faked me out. I thought I had it made for a few days there. What can I say? I'm gullible.

This post is a bitch-fest. If you don't like that, stop reading now.

The Boy has always been a difficult baby at night. Generally not gonna sleep more than 1-2.5hrs at a time. But for a few glorious days last week, he slept through the night. I thought that meant there was a light at the end....I thought it meant something in his sleep pattern was changing for good.

But we're back to being up consistently 4-6 times during the night. If your kid does this, I'm willing to bet you know what I mean when I say it pisses me off. Like, I have to set him down and punch the bed/scream into a pillow/cry every few nights. It's normal for us, and I think that I'm entitled to being a little crazy since my son has had only 6 good nights in his three month life (by good, I mean 5hrs or more straight). Add in the fact that I'm single and have not ever had someone help in the middle of the night, and you've got THE CRANKIEST mommy ever.

Luckily, every 2-4 weeks or so, my mom will watch him for a few hours so I can take a nap. It has been three weeks since this has happened, so I could really use a little help right now. But unfortunately, she's sick and there is probably no end in sight.

But for all the moms out there who know how it feels to wake up and feed EVERY hour...who wake up after only a few minutes of dozing, terrified thinking they have fallen asleep holding the baby (because God knows you're too tired to remember when/how you got up to put them down)...all you moms who know that you sometimes have to talk yourself out of being upset with a baby, who couldn't possibly be at fault...

You are SO not alone.

If any other single moms out there know what it's like to only have one "mommy break" in a three month period, and be solely responsible for an infant 24/7, know that I commend you. This job does not stop for a single moment.

Thank God for our little ones, making it worth it every day.
Here's a picture of our nigh time adventures. Say "hi"!

OMG Y'all Will Not Believe This Shizzzz!!!

How does he go from just barely being able to control his hands, to grabbing and hitting things in just a couple days?!

Believe it or not, this video captures the exact moment he learned this because I just had a feeling I should start recording him.

Intuition? Yeah, it kicks ass.

Oh, and Also....

The Boy grabbed his foot for the first time tonight.

I almost pissed my pants with glee.

Holy Jesus

We have a tooth! At less than 3 months old!

er, well...kinda.

After a day of crazy bitchiness and drool (on The Boy's part, NOT mine), I decided that hey, it's my kid...I'm going to stick my fingers in that mouth and investigate what exactly has turned my son into the baby from hell. Slightly mortified at the thought of getting my fingertips nomed off, I entered cautiously, just pulling down his lip a bit and holymotherfuckinghell! WHAT is that white spot there?!

poke, prod, press, rub

Friggin tooth corner, that's what it is!

My excitement was such that I even considered waking up my mom (who, btw, had to be up at 3am) just to show her. I posted a FB update. I made my brother look at it. I obsessed over it until morning, when I looked again and yup, there it was...not a figment of my imagination.

So I couldn't contain myself, I called my mom...who promptly told me to brush his tooth-nub, lest it get all rotten before even coming out all the way.

So I did and guess what? Tooth went back into hiding. Gums got all swollen, and baby is still extremely bitchy. Today has been filled with tylenol, teething strips, and baby orajel.

And me? I'm exhausted. But completely OBSESSED with seeing that little white corner again. Ah, motherhood. Makes you bat-shit-crazy.

In Which I Cap A Bitch

You'll recall how I posted once about judgment? Well, this is along those same lines, so beware.

I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined how many people think they know how to parent my son better than I do. I know people always think they are the authority on parenting, and I was prepared to hear a lot of unsolicited advice. I never knew I would be getting the most judgment from people who aren't even parents.

Namely, my sisters.

I was offended when my little sister freaked out on me for taking my son out to see a friend. Granted, it's a friend I have a romantic history with (and one that I have admitted feelings for, still), and we were eating dinner in a hotel room but...come on. I have known the man for years. We are friends, and he has never hurt me (or anyone else that I know of).

Is this reason enough to tell me that I made a stupid decision, taking my son along? It's not as if I have an abundance of babysitters, or a desire to leave my son for any extended period of time. Hey, you 21 year old non-parent...back off. You do not get to tell me I'm an irresponsible parent.

I was shocked when I found that I can't have a drink without both of my sisters flipping the fuck out. Apparently it's a crime to have one glass of wine (or other drink) at night after putting my son to bed. 21 year old sister asked my mom if she thought my son was having sleeping troubles because I "drink so much."

This is the point at which I almost kill a bitch.

I do not breastfeed my son while I'm drunk. In fact, I have not gotten drunk anywhere near my son, ever. when I asked my twin sister to make me a drink, she hesitated and said "as long as you don't need to nurse him for a while..."

I am an adult. And I am his mother. I know better than you when I can and can't put my own son to my boob....and I have made sure that it has absolutely never been a concern.

Neither of these women are mothers. Neither has ever breastfed, and neither has had any experience that would give them any right to dull out parenting advice. I can't believe the stupidity and arrogance of people who have absolutely no authority on the subject of parenting.

So, in short...if you've got no experience, please do us all a favor and STFU. KthxBai.

What Price, Sanity?

When I came home with The Boy, I cried hysterically. I hadn't spent an enormous amount of time thinking about what the first few days or weeks with a new baby would be like (mostly because there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself). Like any new parent, I took care of what I could before giving birth. I made sure I had all of the practical things; the diapers, clothes, blankets, bed, swing, etc. I couldn't even attempt to do anything mentally or emotionally, because by the time I might have considered it, all of my energy was spent just wanting to not be pregnant anymore.

How was I supposed to know that the moment I realized I was the only person responsible for keeping my son alive, I would freak the fuck out? Suddenly, it was all OMGwhatifhechokesinhissleep or HolyshitwhataboutSIDS!?

There is nothing like realizing your baby could just be dead when you wake up to scare the freaking shit out of any new parent.

Now, add to that the already overwhelming reality of being responsible for taking care of the baby, postpartum hormones, complete exhaustion and physical discomfort...you've got hell on your hands.

For weeks I stayed up crying at night, making sure he was breathing. My mother always told me that if anything happened to one of her kids she would die. I took this as just something a parent says. Little did I know, she probably would actually die. I know that if my son was gone, I would likely drop dead on the spot. I never thought loving someone so much would be so...terrifying.

So I sucked it up. I bought the Angelcare Monitor, set it up, tested it five-hundred-million times, and...what do you know....SLEPT. I have had exactly one false alarm, and all I really know about that is that he didn't wake up when the alarm went off. He took a deep breath the moment I got to him and placed my hand on his chest. And absolutely NOTHING in the world was better than feeling my son take that breath.

I know it's weird, but I keep the ticking sound on. Sure, it's freaky to have something tell me every time my son moves. But when I do wake up freaked out because he has slept for a while, all I have to do is listen to that ticking sound, and I know everything is okay.

What can I say? He is my entire world. And for the sanity and comfort it provides me, this damn thing is effing priceless.

So go buy one. You know you want to.

Unintended Consequences

So we've been over my love/hate relationship with Jillian Michaels. But am I getting results?

Let me just say, y'all...I could put on a bikini, and not feel bad walking around in public. Sure, my body is different. There are stretch marks and yes, I am still a bit heavier than I'm used to. But something about working out regularly makes you feel like you are a lot more attractive than you are.

An unintended side-effect is that I went from having absolutely no sex drive, to having the out of control sexual appetite that is characteristic of the women in my family. Seriously, if we actually get down to it, a lot of the women I'm related to have the same level of interest in sex as a seventeen year old boy.

I have to say, this makes things rather complicated. I was actually rather relieved to find that I was not at all interested in sex after giving birth. My thought process about this was as follows:

I don't want sex--->I don't need a relationship---->I can focus on being a mom---->I can change the way I operate in a relationship before screwing one up again.

Seems logical. But yet here I am, hosting a porno in my brain and fighting strongly against the urges I used to give in to so easily. No, I can't say that sexual thing to that person, because you can't take it back. No, I can't do that without thinking, because it will teach that person that they can treat me that way.

But damnit I WANT TO send that completely inappropriate, explicitly sexual message! It would be FUN! I would feel desired again!

But I have to stop myself. Funny how once you open a door of holding yourself to a low standard, it's hard to close. But I'm not insane. I'm sure that if I continue that behavior I will get the same results. And man, do I not want to live those results over again.

So here's the deal. I'm working on it. I would so much rather be respected and loved than sexually desired, but I'm hoping I can eventually have it all.

Until then, I just have to suck it up, and ignore the blue balls feeling.
*headdesk*