I have been bed-sharing for a little over 2 weeks.
I know....BAD mommy. Starting something at five months that a lot of kids are being weaned from by that point. Stupid habit to form, knowing that I don't want to continue doing it.
So it started off simple. I was exhausted around 8am when he woke up one morning, so I brought him to bed to feed him. We lay down to nurse and both fall asleep. He slept for 2 more hours and I'm like "HOLY CRAP that was fucking AWESOME!" But totally not something I'm comfortable with continuing to do (after all, why did I spend the money on that fancy monitor, just to sleep with my kid?).
But I'm tired all the time. Slowly, I started bringing him to bed with me earlier. I could keep him in the crib most of the night, but would eventually give up on trying to stay awake and transition him into his crib (where he will usually start screaming). The past 2 nights, I have ended up with him in bed with me before midnight.
BUT Y'ALL, THIS SHIT IS AMAZING! I don't have to stay awake when he's nursing, I don't have to deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night, I don't have to get out of bed...and snuggle time with my baby = completely awesome and wonderful. I'm feeling like I actually got some rest in the morning, and I get to wake up to him talking/grabbing/staring lovingly at me, which rocks my world.
But on the other hand, I don't want to have to deal with him getting attached to it, and having to wean him when he's older and has more memory/understanding of the situation. Every night for the past week, I have told myself that I'm going to stay awake and put him back in his crib to break the habit. But fuck (no, not butt fuck), I can't even express how much I REALLY don't want to go back to losing all that sleep.
But it must be done. *sigh* the position I have to sleep in to keep him safe is not good on my body, and my back hurts so bad I can hardly take a deep breath. I put my hands up to stretch it out tonight, and my arms started tingling. Now, I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's a bad sign. I'm on a heating pad as I type, thankyouverymuch.
I'm trying to find the strength to go through with breaking the habit, no matter how little sleep I get. But if I wake up tomorrow with my baby in my bed...
well, I really won't be surprised.
What can I say? I like sleeping, yo.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
If It Ain't Broke...
So, here's the thing about relationships: They're not necessary.
Men, Women...whatever. The Boy and I do just great, with or without them. And actually...I think we likely do better without me being a distracted, lusty mommy.
Becoming a mother did a few things for me that I never expected. For example; if you had asked me if I loved myself before I got pregnant, you likely would have gotten either A) a blank stare or B) an eye roll. After all, who REALLY loves themselves? That's just silly. I mean...ISN'T IT?!
Actually, no. Not silly at all. How did I find this out, you ask?
Don't know. Don't care. I can truly say I'm no longer battling self hatred like an emo 16yr old, and it feels fantastic.
Add to that an increasing self awareness, and the lack of time and/or energy to play ridiculous emotional games, and I'm starting to wonder why it takes something like having a baby to actually get my head on straight.
I've been selling myself short for so long, I don't even know why I didn't see it. But I have been having such an amazing time, just taking The Boy out to explore the world. And I realized we don't need anything else...anything more than what we have already. This situation doesn't need to be fixed. The Boy and I...we are just fine.
So if someone comes along...great. If not...no big deal. I'm sure some day I'll be even more lonely, and I might actually start "looking" for someone. But for now, I'm pretty damn happy, thanks.
Men, Women...whatever. The Boy and I do just great, with or without them. And actually...I think we likely do better without me being a distracted, lusty mommy.
Becoming a mother did a few things for me that I never expected. For example; if you had asked me if I loved myself before I got pregnant, you likely would have gotten either A) a blank stare or B) an eye roll. After all, who REALLY loves themselves? That's just silly. I mean...ISN'T IT?!
Actually, no. Not silly at all. How did I find this out, you ask?
Don't know. Don't care. I can truly say I'm no longer battling self hatred like an emo 16yr old, and it feels fantastic.
Add to that an increasing self awareness, and the lack of time and/or energy to play ridiculous emotional games, and I'm starting to wonder why it takes something like having a baby to actually get my head on straight.
I've been selling myself short for so long, I don't even know why I didn't see it. But I have been having such an amazing time, just taking The Boy out to explore the world. And I realized we don't need anything else...anything more than what we have already. This situation doesn't need to be fixed. The Boy and I...we are just fine.
So if someone comes along...great. If not...no big deal. I'm sure some day I'll be even more lonely, and I might actually start "looking" for someone. But for now, I'm pretty damn happy, thanks.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
5 Months Old
I can't believe it has been five months.
In some ways, it feels like I just gave birth to this beautiful baby.
On the other hand, I feel like I have had him and loved him forever. The thought of life without him just doesn't make any sense.
We have been so happy. Things feel like they're finally making sense. Even though he has been refusing naps, and wanting to sleep with me (and screaming his head off when I put him in the crib), I don't think life could get any better.
Every day has been a new adventure. I love taking him out, and he loves to be out of the house.
He's so serious, and I spend so much time trying to get those elusive giggles out of him. When other people laugh, he gets the most serious look on his face, like he's genuinely concerned that something is wrong with us.
If you sing "love story" by Taylor Swift, he is all smiles.
My baby,
Life doesn't always go the way it should. My life before you was a mess of confusion, bad decisions and insecurities. But these past five months with you have shown me what happiness feels like. Loving you has given me every reason to turn my life around, and make sure that your childhood is as happy and care-free as I can possibly make it. You are such a joy to have in my life, and seeing your smile makes me feel like the luckiest mother in the world.
At this point in time, you're entirely dependent on me. You need me more than anything else in the world right now, and that sort of demand is something you won't understand until you have children of your own. But some day you'll understand that I need you every bit as much as you need me. You are the world to me, and without your cries, your smiles and laughs...my life would be empty.
There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I only hope that I'm able to be the type of mother you deserve. I promise I will give you all that I have. Your happiness is the greatest reward, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
I love you, baby boy.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Questions You Never Knew Needed Answered
Very recently, I was asked a simple (but entirely annoying) question.
Someone (who I want to fucking bitch slap) asked me if becoming a mother made me want to be a better person.
Even though it took all of my energy not to tell her that only a dumb-fuck would ask a question like that, thankyouverymuch...I decided to take a moment to actually answer her (you know, because I'm sweet like that).
It doesn't take a genius to look at the situation I'm in and see that I have made a number of bad decisions. A few months into my pregnancy, once I had gotten past the this-can't-even-be-real feeling, I began to gain a little perspective on some things in my life. I remember telling a friend at one point that if you looked back on the decisions I have made in my life, you might come to the conclusion that I was a huge fucking idiot. Who knows...I just might be.
As I have done all too often in my life, I started picking myself apart. Hating myself, actually, for each and every idiotic decision I've ever made...from bad haircuts all the way to whoring it up, I made myself pay. Oh, how I would torture myself. I needed to pay for my stupidity, and no one could punish like I could punish, so I spent months beating myself up and brooding like some fifteen year old emo kid. I was a mess.
Then my son was born, and wouldn't sleep. I felt massive amounts of anxiety at being this child's only guardian, the one and only person who was responsible for keeping him alive, fed, clothed, sheltered, and happy. I thought if I looked away for one second he would simply stop breathing, and it made me crazy. I stayed up in the middle of the night during his short stretches of sleep, crying and watching him, feeling completely helpless. And he would wake. And he would cry. And I would try to tell myself we were both going to be just fine, but I was falling apart.
After some time passed, and I adjusted to the new demands on my time, as well as the lack of sleep, I decided to start exercising again. I started to feel good again. And I started to think about what to do with my life. All the while my son watched me. He watched me cry in the middle of the night, when I was tired and frustrated. He watched me try to learn how to make him happy. He watched me clean, he watched me cook, he watched me work out and get dressed and talk to him, and he started to react. He started copying the sounds I was making, copying what I was doing with my hands, and suddenly I realized that he sees everything I do.
That realization brought everything into focus. This child is going to learn how to react to the world by watching how I react to the world. And that's what made me vow to figure out my issues, and finally DEAL with them. My body image issues, my intimacy issues, my insecurities, my lack of direction, my emotional instability...all of it will impact him unless I find a way to work through it now.
So yes, being a mom made me want to be a better person. Not necessarily a give-to-the-poor, end world hunger, take a stand type of better person (though certainly the urge to help others has been impacted as well), but the type of person that doesn't have to worry that they're not good enough. A better ME.
And suddenly, happy mommy = happy baby began to make sense to me. So simple in theory. In reality, in life...it's a struggle. But if I ever figure it out, I know it will have been well worth the effort. For my sake, as well as his.
Someone (who I want to fucking bitch slap) asked me if becoming a mother made me want to be a better person.
Even though it took all of my energy not to tell her that only a dumb-fuck would ask a question like that, thankyouverymuch...I decided to take a moment to actually answer her (you know, because I'm sweet like that).
It doesn't take a genius to look at the situation I'm in and see that I have made a number of bad decisions. A few months into my pregnancy, once I had gotten past the this-can't-even-be-real feeling, I began to gain a little perspective on some things in my life. I remember telling a friend at one point that if you looked back on the decisions I have made in my life, you might come to the conclusion that I was a huge fucking idiot. Who knows...I just might be.
As I have done all too often in my life, I started picking myself apart. Hating myself, actually, for each and every idiotic decision I've ever made...from bad haircuts all the way to whoring it up, I made myself pay. Oh, how I would torture myself. I needed to pay for my stupidity, and no one could punish like I could punish, so I spent months beating myself up and brooding like some fifteen year old emo kid. I was a mess.
Then my son was born, and wouldn't sleep. I felt massive amounts of anxiety at being this child's only guardian, the one and only person who was responsible for keeping him alive, fed, clothed, sheltered, and happy. I thought if I looked away for one second he would simply stop breathing, and it made me crazy. I stayed up in the middle of the night during his short stretches of sleep, crying and watching him, feeling completely helpless. And he would wake. And he would cry. And I would try to tell myself we were both going to be just fine, but I was falling apart.
After some time passed, and I adjusted to the new demands on my time, as well as the lack of sleep, I decided to start exercising again. I started to feel good again. And I started to think about what to do with my life. All the while my son watched me. He watched me cry in the middle of the night, when I was tired and frustrated. He watched me try to learn how to make him happy. He watched me clean, he watched me cook, he watched me work out and get dressed and talk to him, and he started to react. He started copying the sounds I was making, copying what I was doing with my hands, and suddenly I realized that he sees everything I do.
That realization brought everything into focus. This child is going to learn how to react to the world by watching how I react to the world. And that's what made me vow to figure out my issues, and finally DEAL with them. My body image issues, my intimacy issues, my insecurities, my lack of direction, my emotional instability...all of it will impact him unless I find a way to work through it now.
So yes, being a mom made me want to be a better person. Not necessarily a give-to-the-poor, end world hunger, take a stand type of better person (though certainly the urge to help others has been impacted as well), but the type of person that doesn't have to worry that they're not good enough. A better ME.
And suddenly, happy mommy = happy baby began to make sense to me. So simple in theory. In reality, in life...it's a struggle. But if I ever figure it out, I know it will have been well worth the effort. For my sake, as well as his.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Boring Mommy
My kid gets bored with me all the time.
Not because I'm boring, as you may or may not think....but because he's a freak of nature that must always be stimulated.
This means yours truly spends most days scrambling for new and amusing things to do. First thing in the morning, while enjoying my precious 'Snuggle-bug' time (see: me cuddling my kid's brains out until he's literally pushing me away), my mind is whirling with ideas of how to keep us both from being bored.
Now, I'm not a planner. In an ideal world, I would have plans lined up for each day of the week. This would eliminate my current method of texting people randomly, desperate for somewhere to go/something to do (which, in case you're wondering, is not exactly glamorous or overly effective). Problem is, when I do actually make plans, they end up being with people who find it all too easy to flake on me (you all know who you are). That's not to say I have bad friends....just ones with lifestyles completely different from mine.
I used to think it was sooooo much easier to just sit at home with the babe, because hell...his crib is here, his bouncer, his swing, all of his toys. But being in the same places for any extended period of time will make my son throw a fit. So...we're almost at five months now...what do we do? Is it time to start pulling out the big guns? Zoo? Aquarium? Sports events? Restaurants? I'm dying for summer weather, so swimming pools will be an option. I love taking him out to see friends and family, but I think I'm at the point where I need to extend my arsenal. Any ideas? Anyone?
Not because I'm boring, as you may or may not think....but because he's a freak of nature that must always be stimulated.
This means yours truly spends most days scrambling for new and amusing things to do. First thing in the morning, while enjoying my precious 'Snuggle-bug' time (see: me cuddling my kid's brains out until he's literally pushing me away), my mind is whirling with ideas of how to keep us both from being bored.
Now, I'm not a planner. In an ideal world, I would have plans lined up for each day of the week. This would eliminate my current method of texting people randomly, desperate for somewhere to go/something to do (which, in case you're wondering, is not exactly glamorous or overly effective). Problem is, when I do actually make plans, they end up being with people who find it all too easy to flake on me (you all know who you are). That's not to say I have bad friends....just ones with lifestyles completely different from mine.
I used to think it was sooooo much easier to just sit at home with the babe, because hell...his crib is here, his bouncer, his swing, all of his toys. But being in the same places for any extended period of time will make my son throw a fit. So...we're almost at five months now...what do we do? Is it time to start pulling out the big guns? Zoo? Aquarium? Sports events? Restaurants? I'm dying for summer weather, so swimming pools will be an option. I love taking him out to see friends and family, but I think I'm at the point where I need to extend my arsenal. Any ideas? Anyone?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
A Mother's Love
There is a lot that I didn't understand before becoming a parent.
There is a lot that there is no way to understand, until you experience it.
When I was young, I remember my mom telling me she would die if anything ever happened to one of her kids. I always thought that was just something parents said...the thought never occurred to me that she would actually die. After all, she did have quite a few children, and we all needed her equally.
Looking at my son, I completely understand. Just the thought of something happening to him makes me feel as if my heart will stop beating in my chest. Never in my life could I have possibly imagined loving someone so fiercely. Never could I have imagined the absolute terror I feel at the thought of ever losing him. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the fear, the love, the absolute and pure joy of being a mother to this wonderful creature.
There is pain in life...it comes from all directions. God knows it's not easy, being single, being a mom, being a friend, a daughter, a sister, a woman....and yet, there is the very real sense that as long as my son is okay, I will be too. Although I know I can still be hurt, and feel the pain of loss, failure, confusion...a broken heart...it is all put into perspective when I look at my little boy.
Every morning I wake up to him whimpering, whining, talking or blowing raspberries in his crib. I turn on the light, smile at him and say "hi" and the smile I get in response makes every morning perfect. The half hour that I spend each morning, nursing, changing, playing and snuggling him before we're up and moving is the absolute best part of every single day. There aren't words out there to describe the bliss of holding him, his head resting on my shoulder and his tiny body seeming to mold into mine. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
There is a lot that there is no way to understand, until you experience it.
When I was young, I remember my mom telling me she would die if anything ever happened to one of her kids. I always thought that was just something parents said...the thought never occurred to me that she would actually die. After all, she did have quite a few children, and we all needed her equally.
Looking at my son, I completely understand. Just the thought of something happening to him makes me feel as if my heart will stop beating in my chest. Never in my life could I have possibly imagined loving someone so fiercely. Never could I have imagined the absolute terror I feel at the thought of ever losing him. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the fear, the love, the absolute and pure joy of being a mother to this wonderful creature.
There is pain in life...it comes from all directions. God knows it's not easy, being single, being a mom, being a friend, a daughter, a sister, a woman....and yet, there is the very real sense that as long as my son is okay, I will be too. Although I know I can still be hurt, and feel the pain of loss, failure, confusion...a broken heart...it is all put into perspective when I look at my little boy.
Every morning I wake up to him whimpering, whining, talking or blowing raspberries in his crib. I turn on the light, smile at him and say "hi" and the smile I get in response makes every morning perfect. The half hour that I spend each morning, nursing, changing, playing and snuggling him before we're up and moving is the absolute best part of every single day. There aren't words out there to describe the bliss of holding him, his head resting on my shoulder and his tiny body seeming to mold into mine. I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The Sleeping Situation
It doesn't matter how tired I am...my brain starts functioning at a rapid rate shortly after my son goes to sleep.
This is why it's 1am and I'm still awake, wishing I had people around to interact with.
I'm beyond exhausted. We're still up 2-5 times a night (usually only 3 times, which I'm grateful for). But if you add my insomnia to the mix, you get a big fat mess. I'm irritable, I'm forgetful, I can't focus and every day I pray for a nap. You know...one that lasts longer than 20-30 minutes.
So anyways....don't be surprised if I'm ever found face down on my living room floor. To be quite honest, I'm shocked I've made it this long with only a little bit of help. There is absolutely a reason that sleep is one of the things moms want the most.
Good thing The Boy is so damn awesome. At least I never have to wonder if it's worth it.
This is why it's 1am and I'm still awake, wishing I had people around to interact with.
I'm beyond exhausted. We're still up 2-5 times a night (usually only 3 times, which I'm grateful for). But if you add my insomnia to the mix, you get a big fat mess. I'm irritable, I'm forgetful, I can't focus and every day I pray for a nap. You know...one that lasts longer than 20-30 minutes.
So anyways....don't be surprised if I'm ever found face down on my living room floor. To be quite honest, I'm shocked I've made it this long with only a little bit of help. There is absolutely a reason that sleep is one of the things moms want the most.
Good thing The Boy is so damn awesome. At least I never have to wonder if it's worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
