Where Can I Pick One Up?

My sisters have found themselves two exceptional men.
I tend to trust their judgment in people even more than mine because, let's face it, I'm sort of a dumbass when it comes to that kinda thing.

Sister B. Went to her house for dinner the other night. After her husband got off work (she is currently unemployed), he came home and washed his car. Then he washed hers, and mine (completely unprompted...imagine!). He noticed something on my car that needed fixing, so he took care of that too....without even saying a word about it to me. If that wasn't enough, he then went into the house, and proceeded to make dinner and drinks for us. When I told him he was awesome, he just smiled and said "oh don't worry, it's all for show," and laughed off the compliment.
And I thought...holy crap. I didn't even know that a brother-in-law could be such a wonderful and welcome addition.

Sister C. Came over with her boyfriend to take me out to look at a car. Boyfriend grabbed my computer and pulled up the info, called the owner and tried to get a reasonable price for me. He told me he wouldn't take me to go see it because he won't let me get ripped off. So he found a number of other cars, talked to the owners himself, haggled his ass off, and even though he had plans that night, he blew them off and stuck around to get me a good car at a good price. He looked at everything, test drove it, and made sure everything was good enough for me. Then he bought me celebratory beer.
Because that guy is freaking awesome.

Where do you find these men? I need to know...for real. I'm not really anyone to them. Hell, I'm not even the one sleeping with them, and they still go out of their way to help me.

Only people who are obligated have ever been that good to me. Even when I am sleeping with someone, they don't do things like this for me. Quite obviously, I have slept with a bunch of assholes....at least if I compare them to the men my sisters have.

So what's wrong with me? Why do I attract douchebags? And also...am I only this impressed by these guys because I'm so used to douchebags?

I really need to know why I keep getting involved with people who treat me like shit. I knew I had issues...but this just confirms it. There are good people out there, and I continuously go for the bad ones. If I could figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, it would be a lot easier to fix. So someone let me know. KTHXBAI.

Too Late

Feeling really low tonight.

I looked at pics of The Boy's father tonight. Sometimes he looks so much like him. Part of me hates it. Certain expressions really bring it out, and it reminds me of how wrong it was to sleep with him, and it brings back so much anger and fear and pain. It also reminds me of how messed up I have made my son's life.

Having a baby with someone you don't want to be with...and who treats you like shit when he finds out you're pregnant...it's never a good thing. I just can't believe how wrong things went. I keep telling myself that if he wants to be around, he will try...I haven't spoken with him since I was 6-7 months pregnant. He was harassing me and pressuring me and threatening to take my son and...the man has a history of being incredibly irresponsible. God knows he's not the type of role model I would want for my son.

I have never had to be a boy without a father. Obviously, I don't know how this will play out...how it will hurt him. He has men around that love him, and that will always be there and I have to hope that's enough. It was my decision to sleep with the wrong man that put us in this position though, and to think that it could hurt my little boy just breaks my heart.

I feel like such a failure as a mother, at the moment. I failed before I even began. I failed to be in the right relationship, be in the right financial situation, the right...anything. I want so much more for my boy than I have given him. And I just want to curl up and cry, right now....because there is nothing I can do to make it right.

Who Needs Words?

This face is all I need. He is my everything.

Diving In

Some days, I really think I am a complete fucking idiot.

I know, my self loathing is super attractive.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I look back at decisions I have made and say "WHAT?! Was I struck repeatedly with an idiot stick before I made that decision?" And while it seems like I'm being overly dramatic (this is one of my bigger character flaws), I assure you, I've done some stupid shit.

Not being true to myself (and honest with someone else) because of fear = stupid.
Moving in with my ex girlfriend = stupid.
Allowing her to cut me off from friends and family = stupid.
Sticking around long after it became abusive = stupid.
Having casual sex in order to feel desired = stupid.

The list goes on. It's no wonder I made poor choices. Quite obviously, I did not value myself. Attribute this to parental problems, personality disorders, societal pressures, or whatever the hell you please. Point is, I had no sense of self worth. And what's effed up? The fact that I've made such poor choices in the past makes it hard for me to value myself, even still. Because, c'mon y'all...where's the value in a fuck up?

I'm sick of it though. There is something that has been causing me to be comfortable with myself lately (it's very likely exhaustion). Suddenly I don't have any energy to be sugar coated, or anything other than exactly who I am when I'm alone with my son. And you know what? I may not like everything about me, but at least I can say that honestly. I'm finally getting down to the bottom of who I am, and I'm not afraid to say there's some good there.

I can look pretty damn attractive. I can also look like a train wreck, but that's a whole 'nother thing.
I'm awesome at cuddling. Like, I live for that shit.
I like being alone with my thoughts.
I can enjoy silence in the company of others.
I know how to say what I mean, and mean what I say.
Once I let someone in, they're in for good. I do not do half-assed.
I enjoy working hard, and seeing the results of my labor.
I know how to love passionately, and I will not settle for less.

And as I find myself growing more comfortable, I'm finding a lot more love for myself. And it gives me hope that some day, I will be loved by someone else.

You Knew It Was Coming...

I HAVE FOUR MONTH OLD!

I can't even believe how quickly he is growing up. It's the speed at which he's learning that's really making my head spin. It's insane that each month seems to go even faster than the last. But what's even more insane is that this kid keeps doing bigger and better things to blow my mind.

Here's what I'm talking about, y'all.

A few days ago, he started trying to laugh. It's currently somewhere between a screech, a cough and a giggle. Sounds like a hot mess, I know, but it's adorable.

Yesterday, he freaking rolled over. Strangely, it was from his back to his belly. This kid hates being on his tummy, so he's not too big on doing it, and has only done it a couple times since then (yes, we had to put toys just out of his reach to make him do it).

He pulls off his socks, because he started grabbing his feet all the time.

He doesn't talk so much as wail, but he does this all the time. Almost non stop chatter.

We have gotten much better sleep, due to some early sleep training.

He started doing funny things while nursing. He gets distracted from it easily, and pulls back to smile and talk to me, or look at someone else who's talking near us. He tries to talk while nursing, and has started blowing raspberries with my nipples in his mouth (which is weird, yes....but also quite hilarious).

Every day, I feel like I discover something else about him. The more he learns, and the more I see how his mind is working, the more I fall in love with him. He cuddles with me every morning. He demands my full attention. He clearly communicates what he wants. He's silly and whiny and absolutely the most wonderful person in the world.

Here's The Boy, happy at four months

Girls...What Have We Done?

I don't have any career goals or aspirations.

*sits back and waits for flames and snide remarks*

No, I'm serious. I will need to work, because I need to support my son...so I will have to find a career that...while I likely won't be passionate about it or love it..won't make me want to shoot myself in the face every day.

When I was younger, I was always told "don't get married until you finish college" or "don't settle down before establishing your career first" or "having kids makes it hard to advance your career or go to school."

There was always such emphasis put on how important it was to go to school and make a living for yourself...like what you do is who you are. Like your career is your life.

Tell anyone that you don't want a career these days, and you hear crickets. When in high school, you would hear a waver in the voice of so many girls when they said "well, after I finish this, I want to get married" or "yeah, I want kids...someday".

I was one of those girls. When I said those things, I wanted to cry. Something inside of me was whispering "liar" and I pushed it down. The truth is, there are so many of us who are so SCARED to say "I want a husband/partner and a family."

People look at you like you have grown a third arm.

Where did the Woman's Movement go wrong? We fought so hard for this, for the ability to work and be equal. Now, we have all of this societal pressure to actually BE like a man. Get an Education. Build your own life, support yourself. Be more adventurous sexually. Some women thrive in this lifestyle. The rest of us...we sit and wonder what is wrong with us. We don't even admit to each other that we might want a family first.

Our worth is associated with where we got our degree, what we do, how much we make...and those who do stay home are seen as 'less than'. And that just seems so wrong to me.

What's worse? We did it to ourselves. I just look around and wonder...how did we end up here? I'm willing to bet this was not what was intended when this all began.

Bella Says

Watch The United States of Tara on Showtime.



No, seriously. This is what I'm telling you to do, so go do it.

I have recently started to admit that yes, I am a complete snob. I do not take direction from other people well. When it comes to books, music, t.v., and the like...I feel I am the authority.

When someone tells me "this is good, I think you'll like it," in the back of my mind I'm thinking "that is wildly presumptuous of you...I think I will NOT like it."

So, even knowing full well that many of you out there are complete assholes like I am, I have to tell y'all to watch this shit. Because it's funny, yo.

Multiple personalities? Funny. Teenage drama? funny. Incredible acting...well, not so much funny, but you get the idea.

When you have sat down and watched at least two episodes of this show, I would like you to come back here, and tell me how I am the most awesome person on the whole internet for telling you to watch it.

*sits back and waits*

Mommy FAIL

Okay, so I'm a jerk.

I needed to run to the store tonight, when my son was cranky and needed a nap. So instead of getting a nap, the bedtime routine started early.

By the time he was out of his bath, dressed, swaddled, and ready to nurse...the child was beyond exhausted. I thought he might fall asleep nursing. But no, of course not...he was already so tired that his eyes were wide and he was completely dazed. I tried so hard to get him to a drowsy point, so he could fall asleep if I put him down...but he was not having it. He was EXHAUSTED. And overtired babies do not go to sleep easily.

He missed a nap, because of me. And now he's suffering the consequences, crying in his crib. And I feel like a horrible, selfish mommy.

This is the tricky thing about schedules and babies....they begin to rely on them. Any break in routine and you've got chaos on your hands.

I'm beginning to think I need to get better at working around his needs. Cause guys...I feel like a complete jackass. Like, for real. EPIC FAIL.

When You Think You've Got It Down

I've posted a number of times about the unfortunate complex mess that is the reality of being bisexual. So I'll keep this short.

I was having a conversation with my sister and her husband about sexual preference, and I admitted to the fact that when a man is attracted to me, I'm generally aware of it, and not shy. When a beautiful woman so much as glances at me, I turn into a hot mess and I'm a blubbering blushing fool that can't meet her gaze. I have always found it strange.

What's even more strange? Most of my sexual dreams are about women. Most of my sexual fantasies are about men. My sister said that since I think about men when I need to *ahem* er...get off...then I have my answer as to what I really want.

Touche. Indeed.

What sucks? I think I will always have that other gender desire...no matter what gender I end up with.

Free Time? Whaaaa???

What do you do when you find yourself suddenly baby-less, with totally free time on your hands?

My mom took the little one out for FIVE hours the other day. That's right, five whole hours with no baby. I found myself suddenly unable to remember what one does when they don't have a child to take care of. Just what did I do, before becoming a mother?

*sits back and waits for answer*

Yeah. I don't even know.

So I went and got coffee, and sat outside the coffee shop, attempting to read a novel that I have been awaiting for-freaking-ever (An Echo In The Bone by Diana Gabaldon). Anyone who reads these books knows that getting another book in this series is complete and total bliss (akin to multiple orgasms...no joke). But I found that my mommy brain can't even comprehend it. Reading this story is like meeting up with old friends, such is the depth of love you feel for these characters. I know the stories behind their scars (emotional and physical), know their quirks and subtleties of communication and posture and facial expressions and...sigh. This is what MAKES good writing, and my brain can no longer wrap around it all.

Gone, are the days where reading was leisure and as easy as breathing. Now it takes every ounce of concentration to get through a few pages and then...what the hell is going on? Jump back a page...then another...was I even paying attention while I was reading this? No, I was not. I was thinking about what my son is up to, and how he's doing without his mommy. Well...fuck.

So I sat there in the sun, sipping coffee and listening to the chatter of the people around me. Behind me sat two women and one very grungy looking man (very likely my age, plus or minus a year or two). I tuned in for a second to hear one of these ladies explaining her (self proclaimed) "deep" thoughts on how "like, the world is like, beautiful, and like...how often do I just look around and notice the sky and the trees...like, this is what people who are in prison are missing every day."
This is the point at which I realized...either this mommy thing has aged me, or...bitches be stupid these days.
Same woman started whining about her lack of time to do things like make things out of the beads she bought...what with her couple of college classes and all. Since I had been there for about 40min or so, and they had been there when I arrived, I found this highly unlikely, and had half a mind to turn around and tell her that her "lack of time" was entirely imagined. But before my eyes could fall out from rolling, I just decided it was best that I leave.

I came home, wandered from room to room a bit, knowing full well that I could be doing any number of productive things. God knows the dishes won't do themselves, and I've been dying to get my clothes organized since the day I realized I can actually wear most of them again. But I snuggled my cat for the first time in months, turned on a movie, and lounged. It was glorious.

Only when my mom got home with a very hungry baby did I remember that I was supposed to eat something. *shrug* Oh well.

I will someday remember how to do this free time thing again. Er..I hope.

Lez It Up

I wanted to make out with my friend today.

I'm talking high school, drunk at a party with a bi-curious girl, dirty boob groping make out session. I'm sure she (and her boyfriend) would not have appreciated this.

My only defense? This Saturday is the anniversary of my BFP....which was well over a week after the last time I got any action. I will celebrate the anniversary of this positive pregnancy test by....well, I don't know...probably looking at my son in complete awe, as I still can't believe I actually made that perfect little person.

Anyways, the point? I may need to get laid...preferably some time before one of my poor unsuspecting friends (of either gender) gets mauled by my hormones.

Oh, and another defense; she's friggin HOT. You would want this girl too (yes, I'm talking to you my straight and (likely) married band of followers).

I have gone this long without sexy time before. Even with some of my not-so-well-thought-out sexual moves, I have been known to be picky and prudish...something I hope to be more of in the future. But a year and a couple months seems to be about the point where I start losing my mind (and previously, my pants).

So, to that friend, if you're reading; I'm sorry. You're super attractive and I can definitely remember *most of* what you said so I'm pretty sure I wasn't being a terrible friend. Next time I will do my best not to have any naughty thoughts about you, lest your boyfriend find out and either A) bust a cap in my ass or B) spring for a camcorder and a hotel room.

I think I will have to go Google 'ways to cope with abstinence' now.