Emotionally Unavailable Women Are My Greatest Weakness

Think I maybe have some issues? Yeah, ME TOO.

A couple weeks ago, I spend the day with her...we drive home, kids all asleep when we pull into her driveway and...there's a kiss.

Days later, kids take a nap, we cuddle up (bad idea). Within minutes her hands are on me, her mouth on my neck.

The Next day, a little playful kissing.

I cried all the way home because WTF am I doing? She's engaged and even though he has said he wouldn't mind us fooling around that is SO not my style. That is not what I want, and not what I need but she is magnetic and I feel like I can't think straight.

I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for the fact that kissing, sex, cuddling...it's all intimate. Even if I want it to be casual, It's not. I can already see myself being jealous and hurt because she doesn't want more than sex.

Most of the time it's fine. Those few events are small hiccups in our friendship...we spend most of our time together, and enjoy each others company immensely. But some nights (like tonight), I feel like things could be amazing if we were together.

That is the last thing I want to feel. And I'm hoping it's just loneliness. I'm hoping it's just an attraction, and nothing more. I can't keep getting submerged in these impossible relationships. I can't keep wanting people who don't love me, or don't treat me right...or both.

Really hope this attraction just wears off soon.

Fucked.

I wish I could say I know what I'm doing.

All I can say is that I'm feeling like I'm making the same mistakes. Since I was a child, the same crap over and over again.

Emotionally unavailable women. And men.
Considering casual sex (which, HELLO, sex? yeah...totally not casual).
Second guessing myself.
Self loathing.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and....I feel like someone that I would not respect. And even though that should make me want to try harder and be better, I feel very much defeated right now.

I wonder why no one has ever loved me enough to treat me like they love me. Then I wonder if it's because I have never wanted anyone to treat me like I'm worthy of love because...I think part of me believes I'm just..not.

And I think that's majorly fucked up.

6 Months

Holy hell, my baby is half a year old.

And yes, time does fly.

I can't believe how much he has grown. I can't believe how much he has changed. Browsing some vintage pics and videos today, I was amazed to see how small he was. All I want to do is go back to those first few weeks with my tiny, new baby and hold him close. I want to go back and tell myself that I need to enjoy it.

I would give anything to keep him like this forever. I know how crazy that sounds. But it is incredibly painful to know that this baby that I love more than life will one day not be a baby at all. That some day all I will have to remind me of these incredible days will be a few pictures and outfits. I understand, now, the desire to have multiple children. Welcoming children into the world and watching them grow is the most beautiful, rewarding experience.

The Boy has become even more social. He sleeps just as little as always. He started sleeping with me this past month, because we simply can not live with that little sleep (this development has led me to forgo my usual 2 cigarettes a day...something about it being BAD or some shit).
He loves animals, and "sings" to them (see: makes high pitched "aaahhh" sounds).
HE HAS 2 TEETH!!!!
He still hates tummy time.
He does not feel the need to eat any of the baby food I try to give him.
He now tries to nurse whenever he feels the urge, diving open-mouthed at my breasts.
He thinks that he must have whatever I have. Seriously. EVERYTHING I have is AWESOME.
He still pants like a puppy much more often than he actually laughs.
He beats himself with his fists when he gets excited.
He is in size 3 diapers.
He wants YOUR food. No substitution will do. He will put himself in danger trying to get it.
He makes kissing noises.
He says "mamamamamama" and "wawwawawawawa" and occasionally "bababbbaba".
He pulls on my hair/clothes/bedding/skin/whatever when he wakes up or nurses.

He is the light of my life. I have never been so happy. I never would have even dreamed I could be this happy. He makes every day an adventure.

I love you, little boy. There is no way to tell you how much.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

You know you're a hot mess when your first thoughts upon waking are about wanting someone to pull your hair.

Dirty, dirty thoughts.

So I sit here eating chocolate (because ohmygod it's actually helping), and thinking about the remarkable amount of restraint it has been taking to not give into these crazy hormones.

And then I think of restraints, and it's all downhill from there.

I can say with absolute certainty that my instinct is to act and not think. My mind becomes all hazy and I can't remember why I shouldn't be doing these things.

*facepalm*

this is beyond pathetic.

Throwing stones

It can be a very big slap in the face when you realize you have no right to judge anyone.

We all like to judge. I mean, I sure do. Why? CUZ. It's FUN. Gives us (me) something to talk about so that I'm not always left wondering why I'm so effing boring (answer; I spend all my time with an infant).

I went to visit my sister today (groan). For some reason I actually thought it was a good idea to talk to her about my horrifically gigantic sex drive, and how I'm THISCLOSE to doing something skanky to relieve the need for intimacy.

Side note: if I did something whoreish I would totally post about it for you, internet. Don't worry, I tell all.

I should have predicted the lecture on morals that would come my way. I should have kept my frustrations to myself. Mrs. I've-only-had-intercourse-with-my-husband couldn't possibly understand the agony of 15 months of celibacy. Saying it clouds your judgment sounds like a cop-out, but I can say from experience that I can't really think straight. The down side to casual sex is becoming less and less apparent to me by the minute. For the time being, I have managed to keep it in my pants, but I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

After listening to how morally superior my sister is, and starting to feel terrible about myself, I realized something. This hoe ain't foolin no one! She was going down on women before I was! She was making out with people's girlfriends. She was fooling around with people's boyfriends. Granted, she was merely a teenager at the time...but it's not as if you get a clean slate just because there was no penile penetration. Who is she to judge me?

People in glass houses, yo.

I was contemplating this on the drive home (because you get a lot more thinking done in the car when you have no stereo system), and unfortunately it only made me feel worse.

See, I live in a glass house too. I have made so many bad decisions that I have probably forfeited my right to judge anyone. Like, ever. Which, I have to admit, is a huge bummer for me. Because of the aforementioned judgy-ness. But there is something awful about viewing your situation from the outside. Seeing myself the way others probably see me is somewhat terrifying, and makes for some serious self loathing. There are some mistakes that you can't ever take back.

I just wish that I knew how to freaking forgive myself already.

The Good Stuff.

I cuddled with my ex the other day.

Now, before anyone jumps to judge, I do have to say that it was innocent, and just nice to have someone holding me. After all, it has been a long time.

I'm literally STARVING for affection right now.

Some days, it's not bad at all...other days, I can hardly think about anything but having someone touch me.

But laying with her reminded me of why I love to be with women. The softness and the curves and the way they moan and kiss and tease and ohmygod.....

But, if I'm being quite honest...everything feels like foreplay when I'm with a woman. And I have always wondered why. I have always hated that I feel that way.

So here's my confession: I have never loved a man, but I love fucking them.

Gender doesn't actually matter...not in the long run. But I had to admit these feelings somewhere.

I miss being held and kissed and touched and fucked, but I don't want to deal with a relationship yet. I'm not ready to go looking for someone. I'm happy just being with my son. But what do you do, when you miss the good stuff?

I wish I knew.