What Price, Sanity?

When I came home with The Boy, I cried hysterically. I hadn't spent an enormous amount of time thinking about what the first few days or weeks with a new baby would be like (mostly because there is absolutely no way to prepare yourself). Like any new parent, I took care of what I could before giving birth. I made sure I had all of the practical things; the diapers, clothes, blankets, bed, swing, etc. I couldn't even attempt to do anything mentally or emotionally, because by the time I might have considered it, all of my energy was spent just wanting to not be pregnant anymore.

How was I supposed to know that the moment I realized I was the only person responsible for keeping my son alive, I would freak the fuck out? Suddenly, it was all OMGwhatifhechokesinhissleep or HolyshitwhataboutSIDS!?

There is nothing like realizing your baby could just be dead when you wake up to scare the freaking shit out of any new parent.

Now, add to that the already overwhelming reality of being responsible for taking care of the baby, postpartum hormones, complete exhaustion and physical discomfort...you've got hell on your hands.

For weeks I stayed up crying at night, making sure he was breathing. My mother always told me that if anything happened to one of her kids she would die. I took this as just something a parent says. Little did I know, she probably would actually die. I know that if my son was gone, I would likely drop dead on the spot. I never thought loving someone so much would be so...terrifying.

So I sucked it up. I bought the Angelcare Monitor, set it up, tested it five-hundred-million times, and...what do you know....SLEPT. I have had exactly one false alarm, and all I really know about that is that he didn't wake up when the alarm went off. He took a deep breath the moment I got to him and placed my hand on his chest. And absolutely NOTHING in the world was better than feeling my son take that breath.

I know it's weird, but I keep the ticking sound on. Sure, it's freaky to have something tell me every time my son moves. But when I do wake up freaked out because he has slept for a while, all I have to do is listen to that ticking sound, and I know everything is okay.

What can I say? He is my entire world. And for the sanity and comfort it provides me, this damn thing is effing priceless.

So go buy one. You know you want to.