One thing The Boy can't do is sleep. NO SLEEP AT ALL. For real, yo, this kid hates naps and hates night time (and as a result, I'm starting to feel like he hates me).
Sure he's had a few good nights (seven, to be exact).
But for the most part we're up 4-6 times every night and I get so cranky that I feel like a horrible mother.
It's to the point where I feel guilty for wanting him to sleep more, and I feel too tired to want to play with and love on him all the time. I honestly feel like if I keep having these thoughts, he is just going to die in his sleep and it will be my fault, because I'm the one who wanted more sleep.
Obviously, being rational is not something I'm especially good at.
I tend to keep myself up, thinking I need to kiss him as often as possible and keep saying "I love you" because when I wake up he could be dead. I find myself thinking "is this really what I want to remember doing or thinking about the night my baby dies?" Or I think "when he dies of SIDS, I'm going to feel really guilty for that."
Yes, Interwebz, you read that right. I am officially Bat-Shit-Crazy. Does knowing it's not logical help?
Not really. Maybe a little bit.
All I know for sure is that I need to sleep.
Does anyone else have thoughts like this? I know you're out there, readers.
And side note: I know it sounds like I have postpartum depression. I know I might benefit from therapy/Zoloft. I also know I don't even have health insurance, so me getting any help is highly unlikely...I am not a rich person. Were it my son needing help, I would make sure he had it...but this is me, and my money is better saved for him...especially since I'm living on my savings.
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THIS is PPD. Check out the PPD board on The Bump and contact your GP or OBGYN to get started on some meds. It's a normal part of pregnancy, some of us need help balancing out those crazy hormones. Heck I was on them before I was pregnant! :)
ReplyDeleteNo sleep can make a mama crazy. Check into the PPD and see what you can do to get a little more sleep. Good luck!
I'm working on finding some help. Plan on calling my old medical provider for some suggestions....hoping that gets me somewhere.
ReplyDeleteIt just occurred to me recently that things could actually be better if I maybe get on medication...and the thought that things could actually be better gave me some motivation to seek help.
Thanks for the support.