When You Think You've Got It Down

One day, only a week or so ago, really, I decided I would be over it.

I stopped hiding them on facebook. I told myself that I would just control it. I felt very powerful that day, like I had just finally figured it all out.

I am shown how wrong I was, every time I see her.

The more I act like I am not hurting, the more she goes back to acting like we've never been more than friends. And it's all coming at me too fast. I expect to feel these things. I stand in waiting, expecting to take a blow. It comes. I can always count on that. But it's not just one, and while I'm breathing through one hit, another comes, then another. I start to feel the emotions pile up on top of me, as I struggle to take them in and recognize them, one at a time.

This is necessary, this organization. I take the emotion. I experience it. I look at it. I try to find the origin of the thing. Then I sit back, staring at the jumbled mess of my mind, and try to decide where to file it. It needs a place to stay, after all. It can't just stay on my fucking floor like clutter, for me to trip over every five minutes.

I find myself wishing desperately for some true understanding. "Desire is the design flaw." This is the statement that comes to mind every time I see her. Today, it made me laugh.

I wanted to cry so bad, it hurt me so much to want her. And all I could do was breathe, step back, and laugh at myself. How silly of me, to think I had the control to take this on. The ego is strange and predictable.

I want to not be a slave to all this. I want to find peace.

But I'm terribly afraid to let go. I'm afraid of not knowing how to live my life, without this ego.

Leap of faith, indeed.

So It Goes Around Again

I have been a complete mess lately.

I hate myself for loving her. I hate that she knows I want her, and I can't seem to stop showing it. Then she has to deal with how pathetic I am, and it hits my pride...and I hate myself even more.

I keep thinking that this is the same shit that made my ex hate me, beat me up and yell at me. She had to live with me being desperate for her, and jealous of everyone she cared about. It drove her fucking crazy.

I keep thinking that I'm going to lose my best friend if I can't stop loving her. I keep thinking that I wish I had at least a little control over my feelings, because it seems like everybody else in the world does. I feel defective, and out of control, and scared.

I feel like I need help.