Changes

When you're single, you can have anything in the world. You can do anything in the world, you answer to yourself, and all of life's happiness...parties, education, careers, love, marriage...they're all yours, if you want them.

Of course, the older you are, the less socially acceptable it is to be single.

But when you're a single mom, it's easy to feel like the doors are...not quite as open to you as they once were. And the stigma that comes with...ack. yucky.

Speaking for myself, I seem to realize every day how much harder everything is when you're a mom. I do mean everything. You try taking a trip to the store alone, and then with a baby, and tell me which was easier.

Seeing your child grow and learn is the most wonderful joy in life. But anyone who tells you it's not exhausting, scary, lonely and very difficult is lying to you.

All of this should be common sense, right? I think it's a lot easier to understand these things conceptually than to find yourself living it. And I suddenly feel like I'm either one of two things; I'm a woman with a family, or I'm a plague.

Let me explain.

I imagine some people out there wouldn't mind a woman with a child at all. It's like insta-family. Just add water. Or something like that. The fact that The Boy is number one in my life wouldn't be a bad thing, it would be expected...and even highly respected.

On the other hand, some people would find out I have a son and run in the opposite direction. It's not part of anyone's fantasy...finding a woman with a kid or two, and marrying her. Or at least, if it was, I would be very surprised.

Gone are the dreams of being a stay at home mom forever. What are the chances of finding someone who would not only love and marry someone with a kid, but then support the both of them? I would actually like someone to calculate those odds for me.

I'm not trying to complain here. I couldn't love my son more if I tried, and becoming a mother is something I don't think anyone could ever regret. I have just been thinking about what I wanted before, and how differently things turned out.

Or maybe I'm thinking it might be me and my son alone together forever. Maybe...I'm thinking of all those people I might have been with, but who will probably never look at me the same way. And maybe that hurts a lot more than it should. But being a mother does change you, and your life forever.

And I guess it's time for me to start really dealing with that reality.