Feeling really low tonight.
I looked at pics of The Boy's father tonight. Sometimes he looks so much like him. Part of me hates it. Certain expressions really bring it out, and it reminds me of how wrong it was to sleep with him, and it brings back so much anger and fear and pain. It also reminds me of how messed up I have made my son's life.
Having a baby with someone you don't want to be with...and who treats you like shit when he finds out you're pregnant...it's never a good thing. I just can't believe how wrong things went. I keep telling myself that if he wants to be around, he will try...I haven't spoken with him since I was 6-7 months pregnant. He was harassing me and pressuring me and threatening to take my son and...the man has a history of being incredibly irresponsible. God knows he's not the type of role model I would want for my son.
I have never had to be a boy without a father. Obviously, I don't know how this will play out...how it will hurt him. He has men around that love him, and that will always be there and I have to hope that's enough. It was my decision to sleep with the wrong man that put us in this position though, and to think that it could hurt my little boy just breaks my heart.
I feel like such a failure as a mother, at the moment. I failed before I even began. I failed to be in the right relationship, be in the right financial situation, the right...anything. I want so much more for my boy than I have given him. And I just want to curl up and cry, right now....because there is nothing I can do to make it right.
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It's far better for a boy to have a mother who loves him to bits and other men in his life that will support him when he needs it, than to have a father in the picture who doesn't deserve to be there. That's just what I think, of course, but I think your son is lucky to have a mom who obviously cares so much about his welfare. He'll know that. There are so many kids in the world who don't have either parent looking out for their best interests. Your boy is lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteAs a man who did grow up without a father, let me confirm 100% what Daphne said. You can be a wonderful parent for your son on your own. It will sometimes be doubly hard for you without a partner, but if you give your son love, support, and consistency he will be just fine. Please do NOT start with the assumption that not having a father around will hurt him. You may not be in an ideal situation, but if you stay strong and are always there for him you two will do well.
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