Diving In

Some days, I really think I am a complete fucking idiot.

I know, my self loathing is super attractive.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I look back at decisions I have made and say "WHAT?! Was I struck repeatedly with an idiot stick before I made that decision?" And while it seems like I'm being overly dramatic (this is one of my bigger character flaws), I assure you, I've done some stupid shit.

Not being true to myself (and honest with someone else) because of fear = stupid.
Moving in with my ex girlfriend = stupid.
Allowing her to cut me off from friends and family = stupid.
Sticking around long after it became abusive = stupid.
Having casual sex in order to feel desired = stupid.

The list goes on. It's no wonder I made poor choices. Quite obviously, I did not value myself. Attribute this to parental problems, personality disorders, societal pressures, or whatever the hell you please. Point is, I had no sense of self worth. And what's effed up? The fact that I've made such poor choices in the past makes it hard for me to value myself, even still. Because, c'mon y'all...where's the value in a fuck up?

I'm sick of it though. There is something that has been causing me to be comfortable with myself lately (it's very likely exhaustion). Suddenly I don't have any energy to be sugar coated, or anything other than exactly who I am when I'm alone with my son. And you know what? I may not like everything about me, but at least I can say that honestly. I'm finally getting down to the bottom of who I am, and I'm not afraid to say there's some good there.

I can look pretty damn attractive. I can also look like a train wreck, but that's a whole 'nother thing.
I'm awesome at cuddling. Like, I live for that shit.
I like being alone with my thoughts.
I can enjoy silence in the company of others.
I know how to say what I mean, and mean what I say.
Once I let someone in, they're in for good. I do not do half-assed.
I enjoy working hard, and seeing the results of my labor.
I know how to love passionately, and I will not settle for less.

And as I find myself growing more comfortable, I'm finding a lot more love for myself. And it gives me hope that some day, I will be loved by someone else.