Sleepless in...well, whatever.

Oh the joys of Post Partum Anxiety. Or anxiety in general. Anyways, who cares because the point is, I'm awake. The boy is sleeping in his crib (less than ten feet away) equipped with an Angelcare monitor that is currently emitting little ticking noises, letting me know that yes, my son is breathing.

For now.

Yes, that is what goes through my mind. Never mind the fact that he has none of the SIDS risks (besides being male and born in the fall). Never mind that the Dr. Sears website says that "99.99% of babies put down to sleep wake up just fine". Because I must obsess. Give me something to obsess about, and I will do it. The more horrific, the better.

When I was pregnant, I freaked about movement. Like, woke up in the middle of the night, poked at the belly, wouldn't go to sleep until I felt the baby move. I bought a fetal doppler to aid in my relentless worrying, going so far as to take it to work (along with the handy monster-sized tub of vaseline), and use it at my desk if I got especially freaked.

Now before you go say "oh, she's crazy" or "what a wackjob" or any of the other things this behavior has inspired, let me tell you...bad things do happen. Every day. Horrible things, and I can not for the life of me stop my mind from going there.

So I sit here late at night, googling "what to do if baby stops breathing" and other such nonsense. And I want so badly to not even think of it. I want to be one of those parents who say that the thought "crossed their mind occasionally" and that they "just pushed it away." But here's the thing...I'm not wired that way.

If I could rely on having health insurance, I would really be looking for help right now. I have enough issues to need full-time therapy, but since I'm not going to be covered by my work (once they figure out I'm not coming back from maternity leave), I am just sitting here hoping I can work through things on my own.

Until I figure out how to do this, here I will sit...obsessing about horrible things happening to the people I love the most.
*slams head into desk*