This is the conclusion I came to while talking to an especially put together friend of mine the other day. I told her that sex and I were really close once, then it stabbed me in the back, but I still really like it.
It is already abundantly clear that this will be an oversharing, not so witty post.
The last time I had sex, I got pregnant. It has been nearly a year since then. Being a single mom, I feel like I can no longer have any sex casually. That makes sense to me, because I'm not going to want my LO to see me as that type of woman. It also makes sense because I haven't respected myself enough to wait until someone really cared for or loved me. In all honesty, I didn't believe anyone would, so I said to hell with it, and had sex when I pleased, even when I knew I was not making a good decision.
I am bound and determined to change my behavior, but honestly...I miss the sexy time. Quite a bit, and I'm nowhere near a point where I trust myself to make the right decisions regarding sex OR relationships. So what's a girl to do?
I deeply wish that I had figured this all out before having a child. I can not be trusted to have a healthy relationship. I have never had one, so thinking that I can now, without any proof of having changed my thought process, my emotional stability, my goals and the way I view myself and others...well, that would be insane. And getting into a relationship without very serious consideration would be doing my son an incredible disservice. I don't want to be that type of mom.
Being alone is good for me, now. I have tons of work that I need to do on myself before I can be with anyone else. But how does one do this "work"? Are their guidelines? Is there a twelve-step program? Is there any concrete plan as to how to change your ways, or will being alone and focusing on myself and my son just...do the trick?
So many questions, absolutely no answers.
Can someone please give me some answers?
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