When You Think You've Got It Down

One day, only a week or so ago, really, I decided I would be over it.

I stopped hiding them on facebook. I told myself that I would just control it. I felt very powerful that day, like I had just finally figured it all out.

I am shown how wrong I was, every time I see her.

The more I act like I am not hurting, the more she goes back to acting like we've never been more than friends. And it's all coming at me too fast. I expect to feel these things. I stand in waiting, expecting to take a blow. It comes. I can always count on that. But it's not just one, and while I'm breathing through one hit, another comes, then another. I start to feel the emotions pile up on top of me, as I struggle to take them in and recognize them, one at a time.

This is necessary, this organization. I take the emotion. I experience it. I look at it. I try to find the origin of the thing. Then I sit back, staring at the jumbled mess of my mind, and try to decide where to file it. It needs a place to stay, after all. It can't just stay on my fucking floor like clutter, for me to trip over every five minutes.

I find myself wishing desperately for some true understanding. "Desire is the design flaw." This is the statement that comes to mind every time I see her. Today, it made me laugh.

I wanted to cry so bad, it hurt me so much to want her. And all I could do was breathe, step back, and laugh at myself. How silly of me, to think I had the control to take this on. The ego is strange and predictable.

I want to not be a slave to all this. I want to find peace.

But I'm terribly afraid to let go. I'm afraid of not knowing how to live my life, without this ego.

Leap of faith, indeed.