I have been a complete mess lately.
I hate myself for loving her. I hate that she knows I want her, and I can't seem to stop showing it. Then she has to deal with how pathetic I am, and it hits my pride...and I hate myself even more.
I keep thinking that this is the same shit that made my ex hate me, beat me up and yell at me. She had to live with me being desperate for her, and jealous of everyone she cared about. It drove her fucking crazy.
I keep thinking that I'm going to lose my best friend if I can't stop loving her. I keep thinking that I wish I had at least a little control over my feelings, because it seems like everybody else in the world does. I feel defective, and out of control, and scared.
I feel like I need help.
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