Realizing Myself

It doesn't make me sick to see her and her boyfriend posting on facebook anymore.
It doesn't make me feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't make me dizzy.

It just makes me sad. It's just this...dull ache. Makes me feel empty.

It's progress. Not much, but a little. And I'm grateful for it.

I have backed off a lot. I have only seen her a few times in the past three weeks. I have stopped volunteering to do everything for her, because I can't stand wondering if she only keeps me around because I will watch her kids, or clean her house, or bring her dinner.

When I talk about the things that I do for her, people think she's a bitch for not appreciating or loving me. It was the same with my other ex. But it's me, really. I go out of my way to put other people first, and it keeps them from being able to respect me...it keeps them in control. I just hand over my power. Honestly, I get satisfaction from it...for some reason, knowing that I am giving someone else everything, or putting their needs and desires before mine, gives me a sense of accomplishment. It gives me ammunition for a guilt trip. I hate to admit that, but it's true...I try not to guilt trip, but it's definitely in my nature.

Feeling sorry for myself because I do everything for someone, and still don't get what I need or want from them, is also in my nature.

I don't like this about myself. But it's typical behavior for us caregiver types. I'm trying really hard to change this. I know that it has served me in the past, because I allowed myself to use self-sacrifice to define my sense of self-worth. But I don't want to go on degrading myself.

If I treat myself like I don't matter, how can I be surprised when other people treat me that way?

So I try to remember; that's not me. That's just a behavior pattern. That's just how I feed my ego. That's how I keep myself believing I know who I am. Repeating patterns is safe, even when they're not good for me. I know I have not been honoring myself...my real, true self. I have not been loving myself. I have not even REALIZED myself.

The more I do realize myself, and understand the motivations behind my actions, the more I'm able to change my story. When I am able to recognize that I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings, I'm able to control them a little better.

I suppose that's why she can talk about being with him without me feeling like I've been punched in the throat.

But I do know that it still hurts. I do know that I can't see her without wanting her. I do know that every time I have to leave her, I feel deeply unsatisfied...I feel so much longing.

It's a struggle. But I can't keep repeating this same story. I can't keep giving people power over me. I have to be better to myself than that...even when it means distancing myself from someone who makes me feel incredible passion.

Love is love...and if I can be in love with her, then I can find a way to simply love her. In time. With practice. With presence of mind. With self awareness. Eventually, I assume, I will get it down.