I don't know where I get off, thinking that falling for her makes any difference at all.
I'm not even sure yet how to handle it. She feels something too, sure. But I doubt it's love, and I doubt it matters much to her, in any case.
She's fickle, by her own admission. And her wanting me doesn't mean she doesn't love him, any more than it means that she does love me.
Love. Stuff and nonsense. Why am I even thinking about it as if it matters? Inconsequential, so long as you don't mind burning a bit.
And it does burn. I feel this hollowness in my chest when she's not around. Tears come, completely unexpectedly. My insecurities come bubbling to the surface when she doesn't call. When she does...my heart beats faster, my chest feels tight and I wonder why I can hardly breathe.
I try to tell myself to shut it off. The logical center of my brain knows that even if we could be together, it would be complicated. I couldn't trust her not to tire of me quickly. I couldn't trust her to be mine.
But I feel anything but logical these days, and even here I feel the urge to write about her smile, and that thing she does with her mouth when I'm touching her...and the way the world comes to a complete stop when her breath starts to come short.
I want to write about how easy it is to talk to her, even when what I have to say isn't easy to communicate. And how she always seems to understand what I really mean.
I want to write about how interesting it is to listen to her talk...how I never find myself bored with her. I'm amazed by her intelligence, her strong sense of self, her dedication to the people that matter to her.
She makes me laugh. She's wonderful with my son, he adores her. She really sees me, and she treats me with respect.
And bloody fucking hell, I WANT her.
Painful as it is, I don't know if I would want to change it. Nothing can come of it but holy hell, it is incredible just to FEEL it. I had wondered if I even could. I'll find a way to shove the feelings aside...I've no choice in the matter, and I want her in my life. I couldn't lose her friendship.
But I could likely do with some space, before it gets dramatic.
Wouldn't want to actually screw something up, if I can help it.
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