When We Were Young

I talked to her about our past, today.

We talked about the night we watched fireworks together. I was maybe fifteen, she was maybe sixteen. We laid on the grass, our fingers barely touching, stroking. It was electric. No one knew anything was going on, but for both of us it was unforgettable. It was the first time I had felt anything like it. To this day, I've only experienced something similar with one other person. She remembers the intensity too...and realizing, to our amazement, that someone could barely touch you somewhere, and you could feel it everywhere.

We talked about the first time we kissed. I was twenty-one, she was twenty-two. We were on my mom's front porch, and I was intoxicated by the way she was looking at me. Before I could stop myself, I kissed her...and before I could process what was happening, her mouth was on my neck. She had me pressed against the wall, and all I could do was marvel at the fact that I was so...done. I wanted her. She had me. I would have followed her anywhere that night.
She remembers exactly what she was wearing, and exactly the way it felt. She told me it's funny how the important moments in your life are just frozen like that, in perfect detail.

I feel that way about her, to this day...there is still that passion, the excitement, the crazy devotion. When I see her signed into facebook, I feel this sudden...arousal, I guess is the term. The shape of her name, typed out like that...the simple beauty of it elicits an immediate emotional and physical reaction. When she and I get in the car together, I feel like we could quite literally go anywhere...like I want to keep driving. When she sings along to the radio, our kids in the back seat...I feel such a sweet, calm peace. Happiness.

I know she's not mine. I know it's no use.

So...what is this all for?

Realizing Myself

It doesn't make me sick to see her and her boyfriend posting on facebook anymore.
It doesn't make me feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't make me dizzy.

It just makes me sad. It's just this...dull ache. Makes me feel empty.

It's progress. Not much, but a little. And I'm grateful for it.

I have backed off a lot. I have only seen her a few times in the past three weeks. I have stopped volunteering to do everything for her, because I can't stand wondering if she only keeps me around because I will watch her kids, or clean her house, or bring her dinner.

When I talk about the things that I do for her, people think she's a bitch for not appreciating or loving me. It was the same with my other ex. But it's me, really. I go out of my way to put other people first, and it keeps them from being able to respect me...it keeps them in control. I just hand over my power. Honestly, I get satisfaction from it...for some reason, knowing that I am giving someone else everything, or putting their needs and desires before mine, gives me a sense of accomplishment. It gives me ammunition for a guilt trip. I hate to admit that, but it's true...I try not to guilt trip, but it's definitely in my nature.

Feeling sorry for myself because I do everything for someone, and still don't get what I need or want from them, is also in my nature.

I don't like this about myself. But it's typical behavior for us caregiver types. I'm trying really hard to change this. I know that it has served me in the past, because I allowed myself to use self-sacrifice to define my sense of self-worth. But I don't want to go on degrading myself.

If I treat myself like I don't matter, how can I be surprised when other people treat me that way?

So I try to remember; that's not me. That's just a behavior pattern. That's just how I feed my ego. That's how I keep myself believing I know who I am. Repeating patterns is safe, even when they're not good for me. I know I have not been honoring myself...my real, true self. I have not been loving myself. I have not even REALIZED myself.

The more I do realize myself, and understand the motivations behind my actions, the more I'm able to change my story. When I am able to recognize that I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings, I'm able to control them a little better.

I suppose that's why she can talk about being with him without me feeling like I've been punched in the throat.

But I do know that it still hurts. I do know that I can't see her without wanting her. I do know that every time I have to leave her, I feel deeply unsatisfied...I feel so much longing.

It's a struggle. But I can't keep repeating this same story. I can't keep giving people power over me. I have to be better to myself than that...even when it means distancing myself from someone who makes me feel incredible passion.

Love is love...and if I can be in love with her, then I can find a way to simply love her. In time. With practice. With presence of mind. With self awareness. Eventually, I assume, I will get it down.

When You Think You've Got It Down

One day, only a week or so ago, really, I decided I would be over it.

I stopped hiding them on facebook. I told myself that I would just control it. I felt very powerful that day, like I had just finally figured it all out.

I am shown how wrong I was, every time I see her.

The more I act like I am not hurting, the more she goes back to acting like we've never been more than friends. And it's all coming at me too fast. I expect to feel these things. I stand in waiting, expecting to take a blow. It comes. I can always count on that. But it's not just one, and while I'm breathing through one hit, another comes, then another. I start to feel the emotions pile up on top of me, as I struggle to take them in and recognize them, one at a time.

This is necessary, this organization. I take the emotion. I experience it. I look at it. I try to find the origin of the thing. Then I sit back, staring at the jumbled mess of my mind, and try to decide where to file it. It needs a place to stay, after all. It can't just stay on my fucking floor like clutter, for me to trip over every five minutes.

I find myself wishing desperately for some true understanding. "Desire is the design flaw." This is the statement that comes to mind every time I see her. Today, it made me laugh.

I wanted to cry so bad, it hurt me so much to want her. And all I could do was breathe, step back, and laugh at myself. How silly of me, to think I had the control to take this on. The ego is strange and predictable.

I want to not be a slave to all this. I want to find peace.

But I'm terribly afraid to let go. I'm afraid of not knowing how to live my life, without this ego.

Leap of faith, indeed.

So It Goes Around Again

I have been a complete mess lately.

I hate myself for loving her. I hate that she knows I want her, and I can't seem to stop showing it. Then she has to deal with how pathetic I am, and it hits my pride...and I hate myself even more.

I keep thinking that this is the same shit that made my ex hate me, beat me up and yell at me. She had to live with me being desperate for her, and jealous of everyone she cared about. It drove her fucking crazy.

I keep thinking that I'm going to lose my best friend if I can't stop loving her. I keep thinking that I wish I had at least a little control over my feelings, because it seems like everybody else in the world does. I feel defective, and out of control, and scared.

I feel like I need help.

Feeling Like A Damn Teenager

You look at me, and I see it
a flicker of movement behind your eyes
heartstrings, I suppose you'd call them
I feel it in my chest, the pulling
Tug
You look at me
I think...
Don't.
Please.
God.
Stop...
PleaseGodDon'tStop.
You look at me
I miss what you're saying
looking at the curve of your lips
trying like hell to find a word to describe it...
Beautiful. Seductive. Heartbreaking.
Delicious.
I open my mouth to speak
I close it again.
to contemplate the difference
between wanting and needing you
to think about the agony
of my hands aching to touch you
to feel the terror
of knowing your touch could break me...
of knowing you could break me without touching me.
You look at me
and I come undone
you see me. you know me.
You move me.
You captivate me.
and it takes all I have
to remember to breathe.

Things You Knew All Along

I keep ending up in the same places.

I don't love myself enough, I don't feel like I deserve love, and I fall for people that confirm that for me.

What I want to know is why.

Why do I do this? Why don't I love myself? Why do I fall for people I can't have?

And why do I understand what I'm doing, yet still manage to do it anyway? That doesn't make any sense. I tell myself frequently that I'm going to value myself more, and stop doing things that hurt me...it lasts for a little while. But I fall back into a pattern.

I REALLY need help. I can't keep doing this to my son's mother.

You've Got Me All Wrong...But You've Got Me

As these things tend to do, the situation came to a head.

As if being in love with your best friend isn't hard enough, she had to go and make me talk about it. And even though she was so easy to talk to before, I couldn't find the words to say "I wish that I didn't love you so much that it hurts."

Because really. Who says that?

The decision is that we will put up some reasonable boundaries so that we can still spend time together...because the option of not speaking to each other anymore is just, well...not an option.

And I feel like I just did this. Like I'm ALWAYS trying to get over loving someone...which is honestly completely dramatic because including her, I have really only felt like this twice. But I'm an ass, and it literally took me years to get over the last one.

But the idea of having to move past it...just the thought of the pain I've already been dealing with, and knowing for a fact that I'm in for more...it makes me feel exhausted. I know that I will get over it, I know things will eventually be better, but I also know that there's no way to just skip over the hard parts. I am not a fan of just letting things run their course.

I would like a little control, please. I would like a way to turn emotions off when they're of absolutely no use to anyone.

And if I'm being perfectly honest, I would like to lie with her again, and kiss her and have her hold me. "One last time" sounds like heaven when compared to "never again."

This Blog Should Probably Be Private, As A Whole

I don't know where I get off, thinking that falling for her makes any difference at all.

I'm not even sure yet how to handle it. She feels something too, sure. But I doubt it's love, and I doubt it matters much to her, in any case.

She's fickle, by her own admission. And her wanting me doesn't mean she doesn't love him, any more than it means that she does love me.

Love. Stuff and nonsense. Why am I even thinking about it as if it matters? Inconsequential, so long as you don't mind burning a bit.

And it does burn. I feel this hollowness in my chest when she's not around. Tears come, completely unexpectedly. My insecurities come bubbling to the surface when she doesn't call. When she does...my heart beats faster, my chest feels tight and I wonder why I can hardly breathe.

I try to tell myself to shut it off. The logical center of my brain knows that even if we could be together, it would be complicated. I couldn't trust her not to tire of me quickly. I couldn't trust her to be mine.

But I feel anything but logical these days, and even here I feel the urge to write about her smile, and that thing she does with her mouth when I'm touching her...and the way the world comes to a complete stop when her breath starts to come short.
I want to write about how easy it is to talk to her, even when what I have to say isn't easy to communicate. And how she always seems to understand what I really mean.
I want to write about how interesting it is to listen to her talk...how I never find myself bored with her. I'm amazed by her intelligence, her strong sense of self, her dedication to the people that matter to her.
She makes me laugh. She's wonderful with my son, he adores her. She really sees me, and she treats me with respect.
And bloody fucking hell, I WANT her.

Painful as it is, I don't know if I would want to change it. Nothing can come of it but holy hell, it is incredible just to FEEL it. I had wondered if I even could. I'll find a way to shove the feelings aside...I've no choice in the matter, and I want her in my life. I couldn't lose her friendship.
But I could likely do with some space, before it gets dramatic.

Wouldn't want to actually screw something up, if I can help it.

Because It Hurts

My pregnant, engaged, good friend?

I am falling in love with her. And I want to kick my own ass for it.

I've noticed an infatuation for months now, and it has been rather intense. I've spent small bits of time away from her to see if it goes away. And sure, it helps a little. But then I see her and I feel like I just come undone.

Her fiance is (of course) all about us hooking up. We did, last night.

She has feelings for me too. I just didn't expect to feel anything like this. The butterflies. Missing her after one day apart. That sinking feeling in my stomach when she says she misses me. The empty feeling in my chest when I know she's with him. Feeling like I'm going to fucking puke. The anxiety of waiting for a call, or a text.

What.The.Fuck.

Aw Hell, Might As Well Do It

So, yes...my son is seven months old now.

I can't help but feel I'm posting out of some strange sense of obligation, since I've not posted for quite some time. But in truth, I have felt an overwhelming sense of oh-my-god-he's-getting-so-big over the past few days....admittedly accompanied by some tears.

You may want to chalk that last bit up to my raging hormones, since the beloved (see: hated beyond repair) Aunt Flo has decided to make her first appearance since January of 2009. This happened, appropriately, THE DAY The Boy turned 7 months old. I have been tired, hungry, emotional and unbelievably horny ever since.

But this post is not about my period OR my out of control sex drive (I will possibly post about the latter tomorrow). It's about my BABY and how he's AWESOME.

The child has 4 teeth. He is eating solid foods every night (lots of avocado). He sits unassisted for very long periods of time.
He loves music. His current list of favorites include: "Bad Romance", "Boom Boom Pow", "Don't Stop Believing", and "Four 15's"
Before you lecture me about the propriety of letting my baby listen to lyrically suggestive pop music, I'm afraid I'll have to remind you of one thing; I don't give a flying fuck.

The truth is, I'm entirely in love with this child. He grabs my face and dives at me, open-mouthed for kisses. He cuddles me every time I sing to him. He whines "Maaamaamam maam" when he's getting cranky. He cries when I walk away, and smiles when I return. He is my world, and I seem to be his. It suits us fine.

Every day, at least once, I get this feeling. A moment or two of joyful anticipation, of peace...and each time it comes over me it takes me a few moments to recognize it. After all, it isn't something I've felt a lot in my life. It's happiness. The truth is, everything is as it should be, so long as I have this incredibly boy in my life. I never thought I could be so happy, and I owe it all to him.

Here's my little monkey at 7 months

Emotionally Unavailable Women Are My Greatest Weakness

Think I maybe have some issues? Yeah, ME TOO.

A couple weeks ago, I spend the day with her...we drive home, kids all asleep when we pull into her driveway and...there's a kiss.

Days later, kids take a nap, we cuddle up (bad idea). Within minutes her hands are on me, her mouth on my neck.

The Next day, a little playful kissing.

I cried all the way home because WTF am I doing? She's engaged and even though he has said he wouldn't mind us fooling around that is SO not my style. That is not what I want, and not what I need but she is magnetic and I feel like I can't think straight.

I wouldn't mind it if it weren't for the fact that kissing, sex, cuddling...it's all intimate. Even if I want it to be casual, It's not. I can already see myself being jealous and hurt because she doesn't want more than sex.

Most of the time it's fine. Those few events are small hiccups in our friendship...we spend most of our time together, and enjoy each others company immensely. But some nights (like tonight), I feel like things could be amazing if we were together.

That is the last thing I want to feel. And I'm hoping it's just loneliness. I'm hoping it's just an attraction, and nothing more. I can't keep getting submerged in these impossible relationships. I can't keep wanting people who don't love me, or don't treat me right...or both.

Really hope this attraction just wears off soon.

Fucked.

I wish I could say I know what I'm doing.

All I can say is that I'm feeling like I'm making the same mistakes. Since I was a child, the same crap over and over again.

Emotionally unavailable women. And men.
Considering casual sex (which, HELLO, sex? yeah...totally not casual).
Second guessing myself.
Self loathing.

I feel embarrassed and ashamed and....I feel like someone that I would not respect. And even though that should make me want to try harder and be better, I feel very much defeated right now.

I wonder why no one has ever loved me enough to treat me like they love me. Then I wonder if it's because I have never wanted anyone to treat me like I'm worthy of love because...I think part of me believes I'm just..not.

And I think that's majorly fucked up.

6 Months

Holy hell, my baby is half a year old.

And yes, time does fly.

I can't believe how much he has grown. I can't believe how much he has changed. Browsing some vintage pics and videos today, I was amazed to see how small he was. All I want to do is go back to those first few weeks with my tiny, new baby and hold him close. I want to go back and tell myself that I need to enjoy it.

I would give anything to keep him like this forever. I know how crazy that sounds. But it is incredibly painful to know that this baby that I love more than life will one day not be a baby at all. That some day all I will have to remind me of these incredible days will be a few pictures and outfits. I understand, now, the desire to have multiple children. Welcoming children into the world and watching them grow is the most beautiful, rewarding experience.

The Boy has become even more social. He sleeps just as little as always. He started sleeping with me this past month, because we simply can not live with that little sleep (this development has led me to forgo my usual 2 cigarettes a day...something about it being BAD or some shit).
He loves animals, and "sings" to them (see: makes high pitched "aaahhh" sounds).
HE HAS 2 TEETH!!!!
He still hates tummy time.
He does not feel the need to eat any of the baby food I try to give him.
He now tries to nurse whenever he feels the urge, diving open-mouthed at my breasts.
He thinks that he must have whatever I have. Seriously. EVERYTHING I have is AWESOME.
He still pants like a puppy much more often than he actually laughs.
He beats himself with his fists when he gets excited.
He is in size 3 diapers.
He wants YOUR food. No substitution will do. He will put himself in danger trying to get it.
He makes kissing noises.
He says "mamamamamama" and "wawwawawawawa" and occasionally "bababbbaba".
He pulls on my hair/clothes/bedding/skin/whatever when he wakes up or nurses.

He is the light of my life. I have never been so happy. I never would have even dreamed I could be this happy. He makes every day an adventure.

I love you, little boy. There is no way to tell you how much.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret

You know you're a hot mess when your first thoughts upon waking are about wanting someone to pull your hair.

Dirty, dirty thoughts.

So I sit here eating chocolate (because ohmygod it's actually helping), and thinking about the remarkable amount of restraint it has been taking to not give into these crazy hormones.

And then I think of restraints, and it's all downhill from there.

I can say with absolute certainty that my instinct is to act and not think. My mind becomes all hazy and I can't remember why I shouldn't be doing these things.

*facepalm*

this is beyond pathetic.

Throwing stones

It can be a very big slap in the face when you realize you have no right to judge anyone.

We all like to judge. I mean, I sure do. Why? CUZ. It's FUN. Gives us (me) something to talk about so that I'm not always left wondering why I'm so effing boring (answer; I spend all my time with an infant).

I went to visit my sister today (groan). For some reason I actually thought it was a good idea to talk to her about my horrifically gigantic sex drive, and how I'm THISCLOSE to doing something skanky to relieve the need for intimacy.

Side note: if I did something whoreish I would totally post about it for you, internet. Don't worry, I tell all.

I should have predicted the lecture on morals that would come my way. I should have kept my frustrations to myself. Mrs. I've-only-had-intercourse-with-my-husband couldn't possibly understand the agony of 15 months of celibacy. Saying it clouds your judgment sounds like a cop-out, but I can say from experience that I can't really think straight. The down side to casual sex is becoming less and less apparent to me by the minute. For the time being, I have managed to keep it in my pants, but I'm not going to pretend it's easy.

After listening to how morally superior my sister is, and starting to feel terrible about myself, I realized something. This hoe ain't foolin no one! She was going down on women before I was! She was making out with people's girlfriends. She was fooling around with people's boyfriends. Granted, she was merely a teenager at the time...but it's not as if you get a clean slate just because there was no penile penetration. Who is she to judge me?

People in glass houses, yo.

I was contemplating this on the drive home (because you get a lot more thinking done in the car when you have no stereo system), and unfortunately it only made me feel worse.

See, I live in a glass house too. I have made so many bad decisions that I have probably forfeited my right to judge anyone. Like, ever. Which, I have to admit, is a huge bummer for me. Because of the aforementioned judgy-ness. But there is something awful about viewing your situation from the outside. Seeing myself the way others probably see me is somewhat terrifying, and makes for some serious self loathing. There are some mistakes that you can't ever take back.

I just wish that I knew how to freaking forgive myself already.

The Good Stuff.

I cuddled with my ex the other day.

Now, before anyone jumps to judge, I do have to say that it was innocent, and just nice to have someone holding me. After all, it has been a long time.

I'm literally STARVING for affection right now.

Some days, it's not bad at all...other days, I can hardly think about anything but having someone touch me.

But laying with her reminded me of why I love to be with women. The softness and the curves and the way they moan and kiss and tease and ohmygod.....

But, if I'm being quite honest...everything feels like foreplay when I'm with a woman. And I have always wondered why. I have always hated that I feel that way.

So here's my confession: I have never loved a man, but I love fucking them.

Gender doesn't actually matter...not in the long run. But I had to admit these feelings somewhere.

I miss being held and kissed and touched and fucked, but I don't want to deal with a relationship yet. I'm not ready to go looking for someone. I'm happy just being with my son. But what do you do, when you miss the good stuff?

I wish I knew.

Well, I WAS getting tired of sleeping alone...

I have been bed-sharing for a little over 2 weeks.

I know....BAD mommy. Starting something at five months that a lot of kids are being weaned from by that point. Stupid habit to form, knowing that I don't want to continue doing it.

So it started off simple. I was exhausted around 8am when he woke up one morning, so I brought him to bed to feed him. We lay down to nurse and both fall asleep. He slept for 2 more hours and I'm like "HOLY CRAP that was fucking AWESOME!" But totally not something I'm comfortable with continuing to do (after all, why did I spend the money on that fancy monitor, just to sleep with my kid?).

But I'm tired all the time. Slowly, I started bringing him to bed with me earlier. I could keep him in the crib most of the night, but would eventually give up on trying to stay awake and transition him into his crib (where he will usually start screaming). The past 2 nights, I have ended up with him in bed with me before midnight.

BUT Y'ALL, THIS SHIT IS AMAZING! I don't have to stay awake when he's nursing, I don't have to deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night, I don't have to get out of bed...and snuggle time with my baby = completely awesome and wonderful. I'm feeling like I actually got some rest in the morning, and I get to wake up to him talking/grabbing/staring lovingly at me, which rocks my world.

But on the other hand, I don't want to have to deal with him getting attached to it, and having to wean him when he's older and has more memory/understanding of the situation. Every night for the past week, I have told myself that I'm going to stay awake and put him back in his crib to break the habit. But fuck (no, not butt fuck), I can't even express how much I REALLY don't want to go back to losing all that sleep.

But it must be done. *sigh* the position I have to sleep in to keep him safe is not good on my body, and my back hurts so bad I can hardly take a deep breath. I put my hands up to stretch it out tonight, and my arms started tingling. Now, I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's a bad sign. I'm on a heating pad as I type, thankyouverymuch.

I'm trying to find the strength to go through with breaking the habit, no matter how little sleep I get. But if I wake up tomorrow with my baby in my bed...
well, I really won't be surprised.

What can I say? I like sleeping, yo.

If It Ain't Broke...

So, here's the thing about relationships: They're not necessary.

Men, Women...whatever. The Boy and I do just great, with or without them. And actually...I think we likely do better without me being a distracted, lusty mommy.

Becoming a mother did a few things for me that I never expected. For example; if you had asked me if I loved myself before I got pregnant, you likely would have gotten either A) a blank stare or B) an eye roll. After all, who REALLY loves themselves? That's just silly. I mean...ISN'T IT?!

Actually, no. Not silly at all. How did I find this out, you ask?

Don't know. Don't care. I can truly say I'm no longer battling self hatred like an emo 16yr old, and it feels fantastic.

Add to that an increasing self awareness, and the lack of time and/or energy to play ridiculous emotional games, and I'm starting to wonder why it takes something like having a baby to actually get my head on straight.

I've been selling myself short for so long, I don't even know why I didn't see it. But I have been having such an amazing time, just taking The Boy out to explore the world. And I realized we don't need anything else...anything more than what we have already. This situation doesn't need to be fixed. The Boy and I...we are just fine.

So if someone comes along...great. If not...no big deal. I'm sure some day I'll be even more lonely, and I might actually start "looking" for someone. But for now, I'm pretty damn happy, thanks.

5 Months Old

I can't believe it has been five months.
In some ways, it feels like I just gave birth to this beautiful baby.
On the other hand, I feel like I have had him and loved him forever. The thought of life without him just doesn't make any sense.

We have been so happy. Things feel like they're finally making sense. Even though he has been refusing naps, and wanting to sleep with me (and screaming his head off when I put him in the crib), I don't think life could get any better.

Every day has been a new adventure. I love taking him out, and he loves to be out of the house.

He's so serious, and I spend so much time trying to get those elusive giggles out of him. When other people laugh, he gets the most serious look on his face, like he's genuinely concerned that something is wrong with us.

If you sing "love story" by Taylor Swift, he is all smiles.

My baby,
Life doesn't always go the way it should. My life before you was a mess of confusion, bad decisions and insecurities. But these past five months with you have shown me what happiness feels like. Loving you has given me every reason to turn my life around, and make sure that your childhood is as happy and care-free as I can possibly make it. You are such a joy to have in my life, and seeing your smile makes me feel like the luckiest mother in the world.

At this point in time, you're entirely dependent on me. You need me more than anything else in the world right now, and that sort of demand is something you won't understand until you have children of your own. But some day you'll understand that I need you every bit as much as you need me. You are the world to me, and without your cries, your smiles and laughs...my life would be empty.

There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. I only hope that I'm able to be the type of mother you deserve. I promise I will give you all that I have. Your happiness is the greatest reward, and I couldn't ask for anything more.
I love you, baby boy.

Questions You Never Knew Needed Answered

Very recently, I was asked a simple (but entirely annoying) question.

Someone (who I want to fucking bitch slap) asked me if becoming a mother made me want to be a better person.

Even though it took all of my energy not to tell her that only a dumb-fuck would ask a question like that, thankyouverymuch...I decided to take a moment to actually answer her (you know, because I'm sweet like that).

It doesn't take a genius to look at the situation I'm in and see that I have made a number of bad decisions. A few months into my pregnancy, once I had gotten past the this-can't-even-be-real feeling, I began to gain a little perspective on some things in my life. I remember telling a friend at one point that if you looked back on the decisions I have made in my life, you might come to the conclusion that I was a huge fucking idiot. Who knows...I just might be.

As I have done all too often in my life, I started picking myself apart. Hating myself, actually, for each and every idiotic decision I've ever made...from bad haircuts all the way to whoring it up, I made myself pay. Oh, how I would torture myself. I needed to pay for my stupidity, and no one could punish like I could punish, so I spent months beating myself up and brooding like some fifteen year old emo kid. I was a mess.

Then my son was born, and wouldn't sleep. I felt massive amounts of anxiety at being this child's only guardian, the one and only person who was responsible for keeping him alive, fed, clothed, sheltered, and happy. I thought if I looked away for one second he would simply stop breathing, and it made me crazy. I stayed up in the middle of the night during his short stretches of sleep, crying and watching him, feeling completely helpless. And he would wake. And he would cry. And I would try to tell myself we were both going to be just fine, but I was falling apart.

After some time passed, and I adjusted to the new demands on my time, as well as the lack of sleep, I decided to start exercising again. I started to feel good again. And I started to think about what to do with my life. All the while my son watched me. He watched me cry in the middle of the night, when I was tired and frustrated. He watched me try to learn how to make him happy. He watched me clean, he watched me cook, he watched me work out and get dressed and talk to him, and he started to react. He started copying the sounds I was making, copying what I was doing with my hands, and suddenly I realized that he sees everything I do.

That realization brought everything into focus. This child is going to learn how to react to the world by watching how I react to the world. And that's what made me vow to figure out my issues, and finally DEAL with them. My body image issues, my intimacy issues, my insecurities, my lack of direction, my emotional instability...all of it will impact him unless I find a way to work through it now.

So yes, being a mom made me want to be a better person. Not necessarily a give-to-the-poor, end world hunger, take a stand type of better person (though certainly the urge to help others has been impacted as well), but the type of person that doesn't have to worry that they're not good enough. A better ME.

And suddenly, happy mommy = happy baby began to make sense to me. So simple in theory. In reality, in life...it's a struggle. But if I ever figure it out, I know it will have been well worth the effort. For my sake, as well as his.