Whatever Will Be

I was snooping on Facebook, and found out that my son's father is dating someone who is friends with my cousin.

Small world, eh?

This would be fine if he were involved with his son at all, or even was telling people that he has a son. As it stands, we stopped talking while I was pregnant and he pretends we don't exist...I rather enjoy that arrangement.

So I freak out (like an idiot) and call my cousin, asking her to just please take down photos of my son and I, because it makes me uncomfortable that she's friends with someone. She demands to know who it is, and I stupidly tell her.

Now I have to worry that she's going to go tell this woman her boyfriend has a son, and she is going to push him to be involved. I know most women would say that's a good thing, for a man to be held accountable. I'm not of that mindset. He wanted me to get an abortion, I went against his wishes and had the baby. He was intimidating and threatened to take my child, stressed me out and belittled me, has a history of drunk driving, smoking pot, trespassing, hit-and-runs, the list goes on...

He's not a good role model for my son. And though I wouldn't be terrible to him, or try to keep him from being involved, the LAST thing that I want to do is do anything to invite him into our lives.

The truth is, I don't want to see my son spending his whole life in different households, going back and forth between parents. I have been there, and I know how unstable and disruptive it all is. Obviously, I really should have thought more about that before I got pregnant, but there sure isn't anything I can do to fix that now.

If my son's father is around, I want it to be of his own accord. I want him to show that he has intentions of really being there for our son. I didn't want to push him to be involved, and I don't want anyone else to...being a parent is a decision people should make for themselves. I want to know that he is serious about being a good parent before he has any opportunity to hurt the boy.....much the same as it would be if I were to ever date someone new. My son is 100% innocent in all of this, and it breaks my heart to think of how my past mistakes could hurt him, or disrupt his stability.

I'm just afraid. I know someday, I will likely have to deal with that man again....and I can't count on him being mature, or putting my child's best interest first.

I wish I could find the strength to be at peace with the fact that what he does is completely out of my hands.