But Now And Then I Wonder

So, things are getting better.

I spend less time with her, and it's helping. I can be logical about the situation most of the time. I try hard to be supportive of her relationship, and see it as a positive part of her lie.

When I am with her, I just find myself amused (and more than slightly annoyed) by how much I love her, and want her still. But I'm finding different ways to handle it, and I'm done with putting myself down for having these feelings. I'm done with hiding my feelings, and I'm trying to deal with them in a more logical way.

I'm not afraid of being honest with her about my feelings, because I'm not telling myself I'm pathetic or below her just because she doesn't want to be with me instead of with him. I do love her enough to really try to be her friend, and be completely open and honest.

Even though I feel like I have a much better handle on all this, I have moments of incredible weakness. Mostly, I love her. But sometimes she looks so beautiful...or so fucking sexy that I can't help wanting to do very bad things. I massage her back, and I'm turned on...I can hardly control the urge to touch my lips to the small of her back, to pull her hair, kiss her neck, whisper something terribly dirty in her ear. The sexual chemistry between us is breathtaking, and we are always suggestive...it's intense, it's exciting, and it's infuriating.

Listening to her talk about things in her life...her marriage, her other relationships, her friendships...I know that nothing I could say would impress her. Many people have loved her. Many people have wanted her. Many people have thought that they had something special with her, and she has probably heard it all.

I can't help but honestly wonder...why haven't people wanted me like that? Why have I only had one real relationship? Why don't I have at least one story of someone who thought that we were "soul mates"? Why am I the one who's always chasing after someone?

Wondering if these are questions I could reasonably answer for myself.