Whatever Will Be

I was snooping on Facebook, and found out that my son's father is dating someone who is friends with my cousin.

Small world, eh?

This would be fine if he were involved with his son at all, or even was telling people that he has a son. As it stands, we stopped talking while I was pregnant and he pretends we don't exist...I rather enjoy that arrangement.

So I freak out (like an idiot) and call my cousin, asking her to just please take down photos of my son and I, because it makes me uncomfortable that she's friends with someone. She demands to know who it is, and I stupidly tell her.

Now I have to worry that she's going to go tell this woman her boyfriend has a son, and she is going to push him to be involved. I know most women would say that's a good thing, for a man to be held accountable. I'm not of that mindset. He wanted me to get an abortion, I went against his wishes and had the baby. He was intimidating and threatened to take my child, stressed me out and belittled me, has a history of drunk driving, smoking pot, trespassing, hit-and-runs, the list goes on...

He's not a good role model for my son. And though I wouldn't be terrible to him, or try to keep him from being involved, the LAST thing that I want to do is do anything to invite him into our lives.

The truth is, I don't want to see my son spending his whole life in different households, going back and forth between parents. I have been there, and I know how unstable and disruptive it all is. Obviously, I really should have thought more about that before I got pregnant, but there sure isn't anything I can do to fix that now.

If my son's father is around, I want it to be of his own accord. I want him to show that he has intentions of really being there for our son. I didn't want to push him to be involved, and I don't want anyone else to...being a parent is a decision people should make for themselves. I want to know that he is serious about being a good parent before he has any opportunity to hurt the boy.....much the same as it would be if I were to ever date someone new. My son is 100% innocent in all of this, and it breaks my heart to think of how my past mistakes could hurt him, or disrupt his stability.

I'm just afraid. I know someday, I will likely have to deal with that man again....and I can't count on him being mature, or putting my child's best interest first.

I wish I could find the strength to be at peace with the fact that what he does is completely out of my hands.

But Now And Then I Wonder

So, things are getting better.

I spend less time with her, and it's helping. I can be logical about the situation most of the time. I try hard to be supportive of her relationship, and see it as a positive part of her lie.

When I am with her, I just find myself amused (and more than slightly annoyed) by how much I love her, and want her still. But I'm finding different ways to handle it, and I'm done with putting myself down for having these feelings. I'm done with hiding my feelings, and I'm trying to deal with them in a more logical way.

I'm not afraid of being honest with her about my feelings, because I'm not telling myself I'm pathetic or below her just because she doesn't want to be with me instead of with him. I do love her enough to really try to be her friend, and be completely open and honest.

Even though I feel like I have a much better handle on all this, I have moments of incredible weakness. Mostly, I love her. But sometimes she looks so beautiful...or so fucking sexy that I can't help wanting to do very bad things. I massage her back, and I'm turned on...I can hardly control the urge to touch my lips to the small of her back, to pull her hair, kiss her neck, whisper something terribly dirty in her ear. The sexual chemistry between us is breathtaking, and we are always suggestive...it's intense, it's exciting, and it's infuriating.

Listening to her talk about things in her life...her marriage, her other relationships, her friendships...I know that nothing I could say would impress her. Many people have loved her. Many people have wanted her. Many people have thought that they had something special with her, and she has probably heard it all.

I can't help but honestly wonder...why haven't people wanted me like that? Why have I only had one real relationship? Why don't I have at least one story of someone who thought that we were "soul mates"? Why am I the one who's always chasing after someone?

Wondering if these are questions I could reasonably answer for myself.

When We Were Young

I talked to her about our past, today.

We talked about the night we watched fireworks together. I was maybe fifteen, she was maybe sixteen. We laid on the grass, our fingers barely touching, stroking. It was electric. No one knew anything was going on, but for both of us it was unforgettable. It was the first time I had felt anything like it. To this day, I've only experienced something similar with one other person. She remembers the intensity too...and realizing, to our amazement, that someone could barely touch you somewhere, and you could feel it everywhere.

We talked about the first time we kissed. I was twenty-one, she was twenty-two. We were on my mom's front porch, and I was intoxicated by the way she was looking at me. Before I could stop myself, I kissed her...and before I could process what was happening, her mouth was on my neck. She had me pressed against the wall, and all I could do was marvel at the fact that I was so...done. I wanted her. She had me. I would have followed her anywhere that night.
She remembers exactly what she was wearing, and exactly the way it felt. She told me it's funny how the important moments in your life are just frozen like that, in perfect detail.

I feel that way about her, to this day...there is still that passion, the excitement, the crazy devotion. When I see her signed into facebook, I feel this sudden...arousal, I guess is the term. The shape of her name, typed out like that...the simple beauty of it elicits an immediate emotional and physical reaction. When she and I get in the car together, I feel like we could quite literally go anywhere...like I want to keep driving. When she sings along to the radio, our kids in the back seat...I feel such a sweet, calm peace. Happiness.

I know she's not mine. I know it's no use.

So...what is this all for?

Realizing Myself

It doesn't make me sick to see her and her boyfriend posting on facebook anymore.
It doesn't make me feel like I can't breathe. It doesn't make me dizzy.

It just makes me sad. It's just this...dull ache. Makes me feel empty.

It's progress. Not much, but a little. And I'm grateful for it.

I have backed off a lot. I have only seen her a few times in the past three weeks. I have stopped volunteering to do everything for her, because I can't stand wondering if she only keeps me around because I will watch her kids, or clean her house, or bring her dinner.

When I talk about the things that I do for her, people think she's a bitch for not appreciating or loving me. It was the same with my other ex. But it's me, really. I go out of my way to put other people first, and it keeps them from being able to respect me...it keeps them in control. I just hand over my power. Honestly, I get satisfaction from it...for some reason, knowing that I am giving someone else everything, or putting their needs and desires before mine, gives me a sense of accomplishment. It gives me ammunition for a guilt trip. I hate to admit that, but it's true...I try not to guilt trip, but it's definitely in my nature.

Feeling sorry for myself because I do everything for someone, and still don't get what I need or want from them, is also in my nature.

I don't like this about myself. But it's typical behavior for us caregiver types. I'm trying really hard to change this. I know that it has served me in the past, because I allowed myself to use self-sacrifice to define my sense of self-worth. But I don't want to go on degrading myself.

If I treat myself like I don't matter, how can I be surprised when other people treat me that way?

So I try to remember; that's not me. That's just a behavior pattern. That's just how I feed my ego. That's how I keep myself believing I know who I am. Repeating patterns is safe, even when they're not good for me. I know I have not been honoring myself...my real, true self. I have not been loving myself. I have not even REALIZED myself.

The more I do realize myself, and understand the motivations behind my actions, the more I'm able to change my story. When I am able to recognize that I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings, I'm able to control them a little better.

I suppose that's why she can talk about being with him without me feeling like I've been punched in the throat.

But I do know that it still hurts. I do know that I can't see her without wanting her. I do know that every time I have to leave her, I feel deeply unsatisfied...I feel so much longing.

It's a struggle. But I can't keep repeating this same story. I can't keep giving people power over me. I have to be better to myself than that...even when it means distancing myself from someone who makes me feel incredible passion.

Love is love...and if I can be in love with her, then I can find a way to simply love her. In time. With practice. With presence of mind. With self awareness. Eventually, I assume, I will get it down.

When You Think You've Got It Down

One day, only a week or so ago, really, I decided I would be over it.

I stopped hiding them on facebook. I told myself that I would just control it. I felt very powerful that day, like I had just finally figured it all out.

I am shown how wrong I was, every time I see her.

The more I act like I am not hurting, the more she goes back to acting like we've never been more than friends. And it's all coming at me too fast. I expect to feel these things. I stand in waiting, expecting to take a blow. It comes. I can always count on that. But it's not just one, and while I'm breathing through one hit, another comes, then another. I start to feel the emotions pile up on top of me, as I struggle to take them in and recognize them, one at a time.

This is necessary, this organization. I take the emotion. I experience it. I look at it. I try to find the origin of the thing. Then I sit back, staring at the jumbled mess of my mind, and try to decide where to file it. It needs a place to stay, after all. It can't just stay on my fucking floor like clutter, for me to trip over every five minutes.

I find myself wishing desperately for some true understanding. "Desire is the design flaw." This is the statement that comes to mind every time I see her. Today, it made me laugh.

I wanted to cry so bad, it hurt me so much to want her. And all I could do was breathe, step back, and laugh at myself. How silly of me, to think I had the control to take this on. The ego is strange and predictable.

I want to not be a slave to all this. I want to find peace.

But I'm terribly afraid to let go. I'm afraid of not knowing how to live my life, without this ego.

Leap of faith, indeed.

So It Goes Around Again

I have been a complete mess lately.

I hate myself for loving her. I hate that she knows I want her, and I can't seem to stop showing it. Then she has to deal with how pathetic I am, and it hits my pride...and I hate myself even more.

I keep thinking that this is the same shit that made my ex hate me, beat me up and yell at me. She had to live with me being desperate for her, and jealous of everyone she cared about. It drove her fucking crazy.

I keep thinking that I'm going to lose my best friend if I can't stop loving her. I keep thinking that I wish I had at least a little control over my feelings, because it seems like everybody else in the world does. I feel defective, and out of control, and scared.

I feel like I need help.

Feeling Like A Damn Teenager

You look at me, and I see it
a flicker of movement behind your eyes
heartstrings, I suppose you'd call them
I feel it in my chest, the pulling
Tug
You look at me
I think...
Don't.
Please.
God.
Stop...
PleaseGodDon'tStop.
You look at me
I miss what you're saying
looking at the curve of your lips
trying like hell to find a word to describe it...
Beautiful. Seductive. Heartbreaking.
Delicious.
I open my mouth to speak
I close it again.
to contemplate the difference
between wanting and needing you
to think about the agony
of my hands aching to touch you
to feel the terror
of knowing your touch could break me...
of knowing you could break me without touching me.
You look at me
and I come undone
you see me. you know me.
You move me.
You captivate me.
and it takes all I have
to remember to breathe.

Things You Knew All Along

I keep ending up in the same places.

I don't love myself enough, I don't feel like I deserve love, and I fall for people that confirm that for me.

What I want to know is why.

Why do I do this? Why don't I love myself? Why do I fall for people I can't have?

And why do I understand what I'm doing, yet still manage to do it anyway? That doesn't make any sense. I tell myself frequently that I'm going to value myself more, and stop doing things that hurt me...it lasts for a little while. But I fall back into a pattern.

I REALLY need help. I can't keep doing this to my son's mother.

You've Got Me All Wrong...But You've Got Me

As these things tend to do, the situation came to a head.

As if being in love with your best friend isn't hard enough, she had to go and make me talk about it. And even though she was so easy to talk to before, I couldn't find the words to say "I wish that I didn't love you so much that it hurts."

Because really. Who says that?

The decision is that we will put up some reasonable boundaries so that we can still spend time together...because the option of not speaking to each other anymore is just, well...not an option.

And I feel like I just did this. Like I'm ALWAYS trying to get over loving someone...which is honestly completely dramatic because including her, I have really only felt like this twice. But I'm an ass, and it literally took me years to get over the last one.

But the idea of having to move past it...just the thought of the pain I've already been dealing with, and knowing for a fact that I'm in for more...it makes me feel exhausted. I know that I will get over it, I know things will eventually be better, but I also know that there's no way to just skip over the hard parts. I am not a fan of just letting things run their course.

I would like a little control, please. I would like a way to turn emotions off when they're of absolutely no use to anyone.

And if I'm being perfectly honest, I would like to lie with her again, and kiss her and have her hold me. "One last time" sounds like heaven when compared to "never again."

This Blog Should Probably Be Private, As A Whole

I don't know where I get off, thinking that falling for her makes any difference at all.

I'm not even sure yet how to handle it. She feels something too, sure. But I doubt it's love, and I doubt it matters much to her, in any case.

She's fickle, by her own admission. And her wanting me doesn't mean she doesn't love him, any more than it means that she does love me.

Love. Stuff and nonsense. Why am I even thinking about it as if it matters? Inconsequential, so long as you don't mind burning a bit.

And it does burn. I feel this hollowness in my chest when she's not around. Tears come, completely unexpectedly. My insecurities come bubbling to the surface when she doesn't call. When she does...my heart beats faster, my chest feels tight and I wonder why I can hardly breathe.

I try to tell myself to shut it off. The logical center of my brain knows that even if we could be together, it would be complicated. I couldn't trust her not to tire of me quickly. I couldn't trust her to be mine.

But I feel anything but logical these days, and even here I feel the urge to write about her smile, and that thing she does with her mouth when I'm touching her...and the way the world comes to a complete stop when her breath starts to come short.
I want to write about how easy it is to talk to her, even when what I have to say isn't easy to communicate. And how she always seems to understand what I really mean.
I want to write about how interesting it is to listen to her talk...how I never find myself bored with her. I'm amazed by her intelligence, her strong sense of self, her dedication to the people that matter to her.
She makes me laugh. She's wonderful with my son, he adores her. She really sees me, and she treats me with respect.
And bloody fucking hell, I WANT her.

Painful as it is, I don't know if I would want to change it. Nothing can come of it but holy hell, it is incredible just to FEEL it. I had wondered if I even could. I'll find a way to shove the feelings aside...I've no choice in the matter, and I want her in my life. I couldn't lose her friendship.
But I could likely do with some space, before it gets dramatic.

Wouldn't want to actually screw something up, if I can help it.